I have chosen to pinpoint exactly what it means to make changes that will allow me to create a brand new start, and lead my life into a more fulfilling direction.
Every so often an event occurs that encourages me to alter my point of view and arrive at the decision that massive changes need to occur in my life. This choice is most frequently a result of sleeping with a guy who was classified as potential, but is, in all actuality, a fucking asshole more comparable to the devil.
The most recent of these satanic conquests is now dating my co-worker, so I have chosen to pinpoint exactly what it means to make changes that will allow me to create a brand new start, and lead my life into a more fulfilling direction.
1. Get a haircut
Getting a haircut is of course the physical act of changing myself. I frequent this particular step, so often that one month I was required to resort to a pixie cut. It is my way of saying, “Look at me, I look better, so go to hell.” To no one in particular, of course. Especially not to the previously described asshole.
2. Do Yoga
I find yoga dreadfully boring. Nothing quite points out my lack of poise than hurling one of my chubby legs in the air, and then slamming my face on the ground because I am about as skilled at balancing as Kanye West is at making mass audiences feel comfortable. However, I associate Yoga with blonde-haired, glowing-skinned, effervescent, petite Scandinavian women, who have their shit together; so it goes on
3. Write in a journal
I bought a hipster journal at Target, with an impersonal quote on the cover that attempted to convince me that this notebook was the gateway to self-discovery. In addition, the pages enlighten me to several topics that I should write about that will lead me to fulfillment, to which I said “Fuck off,” and scribbled the words “I am not a slut,” repeatedly.
4. Swear off Sex
My last attempt at celibacy lasted one week.
5. Host Friendly Adult Gatherings
Nothing says that I am a happy and established person more than a dinner party. At this lavish affair, I will attempt to make ethnic cuisine, inaccurately advertised as easy to prepare on Pinterest, and invite friends and co-workers over to my apartment that still has the Ikea décor reminiscent of a dorm room. My co-worker will RSVP and say
that she will stop by after her date with the asshole that I fucked. While part of me has an unyielding urge to throat jab this asshole, the other part wants him to join so that I can demonstrate just how normal and totally fine I am. Because I am totally fine.
6. Delete Facebook Account
Deleting my Facebook account is really the mature thing to do. It is such a time waster. Now that I have deleted it, I have more time for other things, like Instagram and worrying about what the aforementioned asshole might be posting on Facebook.
There you have it. Those are the six steps to have a brand new beginning. I will stride within these paces until I meet a new asshole on Friday night.