The Evolution Of A 20-Something’s Alcohol Consumption
By Anonymous
It’s an exciting day when you turn 18 or 21 and get to consume your first adult beverage legally. This in no way should insinuate that there was anything adult-like happening at the time. On the contrary, all consumption of alcohol was dictated by Murphy’s Law and lacked any sort of civility. Examples include:
- Jungle Juice. It would have made more sense to name this Crying in Public Juice or My Roommate Punched A Hole In The Wall Juice. Regret tastes like grape, y’all.
- Gin Buckets. So many mouths using syringes and putting it BACK in the same bucket. Absolutely delicious nuclear waste.
- Natty. Not sure if this was beer or horse urine run through rusty pipes. Who cares when you’re shotgunning the 10th one?
- SHOTS. It’s plural because I don’t think a college student has ever just taken ‘one.’ Feeling great after three or 10! But just when you meet that cute guy/girl you want to make out with, you announce your dual-citizenship to Babel and Bad Girls Club. Somebody take Anna Nicole Smith home, stat.
- Well Drinks. Well/call/bottom shelf/poop water drinks in university towns are similar to household products like battery acid, bleach and WD40. But hell, that was only $1, who cares if you need an organ transplant tomorrow? I’ll take a double cranberry and cyanide please!
Enough of that! WE ARE MATURE ADULTS. Look at what we drink now!
Premium Vodka+Soda at Dimly Lit New Age-Music-Playing Bars
Replacing: “Well” Drinks
New Concepts Learned:
- Calorie counting
- Expendable income spending
- Alcoholism-concealing
- Faking that things are delicious
Typical Thoughts from Someone Across the Bar:
“Wow, they are so skinny and chic with their Stoli and Club Soda. I bet he’s only eating that lime in the drink for dinner and has no student loan debt. ‘Yes please, more please’ to everything you do!”
Craft Beers From Local Breweries and Home Brewing
Replacing: Natty
New Concepts Learned:
- Patience
- Delayed gratification
- Using “tastebuds” to “taste” beer
- Senses of entitlement
- Pretending to be an aficionado of something you know nothing about
Typical Thoughts from Someone Across the Bar:
“Look at that cool guy in flannel with the local IPA sample platter. I bet he’s best friends with Mumford from Mumford & Sons. And the Sons, too. Dying to trade souls with you.”
A Flight of Wines from the Poshest of Wine Bars
Replacing: Jungle Juice
New Concepts Learned:
- Having “memories” from that night
- The art of coherent conversation
- Faux-six figure income spending
- Holier-than-thou deliverance of knowledge of cheese/wine pairings to peers
- How to forgive and love again
Typical Thoughts from Someone Across the Bar:
“Oh, she must be straight out of Bordeaux. I’ve never seen such precision on the accompaniment of hard and soft cheeses with the reds before. Please be my surrogate.”
Alcohol Before Noon: The Bottomless Brunch
Replacing: SHOTS
New Concepts Learned:
- Denial
- Proper ratio of tomato/orange juice to alcohol
- Waking up before noon
- Enjoying 7 hours of well-paced continuous drinking
- Coming up with any excuse to say “Let’s Do Brunch”
- Learning to attend a meal-based event and not actually eating anything
- Going to bed drunk by 6 p.m. on Saturday afternoons.
Typical Thoughts from Someone Across the Restaurant:
“Look at him with all his friends. Look at all that laughter! I bet he is wonderful in bed, employable and probably teaches yoga before work at the local Y.”
Gin Gimlets on Rooftop Bars During “High Summer”
Replacing: Gin Buckets
New Concepts Learned:
- Saying awful things like “high summer”
- Exuding an insurmountable social status
- Making visiting friends jealous of the amazing places in your city that you go to all the time never until this point
- Perfecting the art of the fake laugh at boring rich people jokes
Typical Thoughts from Someone Across the Bar:
“She is so Sex&TheCity right now. I love her with disturbing passion. I literally want to chop off all her hair in her sleep and make a wig and wear it everyday while shopping at various art galleries and makeup boutiques.”