Facebook is a disease that I suffer greatly from. I check mine no less than 54 times a day to validate my high-ranking social status in the world. A cubicle mid-workday is the prime location for the best Facebook stalking. Can’t a guy catch a break from career-building to embrace my 1,200 closest friends? Sheesh.
Many of these “friends” make me die a little inside each time I voluntarily view their page. I cannot possibly begin to explain my combination of chronic obsession and absolute disgust with these Facebook felons, going back and forth on whether I want to slap them with a large organic salmon filet or thank them profusely for providing me with endless entertainment. Perhaps both?
Here are some classic Facebook users who need a bit of a reality check. Get. It. Together [Please also see my important legal disclaimer¹.]
All The E-Wisdom You’ll Ever Need
I cannot thank you enough, Facebook Oprah. And you too, Facebook Jesus! Your opinions via Facebook status on how I should live my life are so inspiring. I will definitely be giving up my homosexuality (Guuuurl, it was just a phase!), purchasing several automatic assault weapons for my personal protection, and joining the Tea Party (save an Earl Grey for this betch!).
The New Mother of the First Baby To Ever Be Born
Congratulations Facebook Eve on giving birth to your very own Abel! You and Adam must be proud. So proud, in fact, that you have put up 45,000 pictures to document the dawning of a new era in human procreation, appropriately wearing a “My Mommy Loves Me” onezie. Darwin who?
Everything I Did Today. Every Day. All Day.
So glad you pooped. So delighted you made pancakes for your new boyfriend with the butt chin. So overjoyed you pooped out your pancakes. Thank you for that vital information. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to gouge my eyeballs out and question my very essence of being.
The Illiterate Lost Lamb/Thug
Hello semi-forgettable high school gym class acquaintance! Totally enjoying your lyrics to “poetic” and “colorful” rap songs that relate to your struggles on the streets of suburbia. Little league and trick-or-treating were rough, man. And so glad you are on permanent strike against the English language. Who has time for grammar and proper spelling? And how much do I owe you for the pizza?
The Facebook Diary Keeper
Hooray, Facebook Anne Frank! Your life is so much harder than everyone else’s! We are all obviously too shallow to understand a status* containing the meaningful lyrics of an indie song or the deep sorrows of cellulite. Thank you for making our inadequacies so apparent through your public displays of suffering.
[*WARNING to the Facebook Mother Theresa: Don’t you dare write a comforting “It’ll be OK” comment under this status! Let them wallow. Let them eat cake, Marie Antoinette-style! An entire German chocolate cake. By themselves. Fuel for the next earth-shatteringly sad post.]
¹Apologies to any Facebook friends I outwardly offended. I am a hypocrite, I assure you. Your thoughts are important. And all your babies are cute and shit. Especially those from the same gene pool as me.