1. My cousin got married when I was four and I was slated to be the flower girl. Thrilled beyond belief, I practiced every day in my room. The day of the wedding, they told me I would have to hold the ring bearer’s hand down the aisle. I ran away crying and had to be replaced.
2. At age four I discovered my love of faux penii in the form of glowsticks. I would’ve continued this for years, but I was too worried about getting pregnant.
3. In kindergarten, a girl invited me to her ranch for a weekend. I suggested we get naked and make out. We did. I then suggested she pee on her bed. She did.
4. At age six, I’d pretend to give birth every day at recess. Sometimes I’d have one baby, sometimes five-hundred. The people who played the roles of my gyno and my newborn switched out daily, but the person who got me pregnant was played by the same girl every day.
5. Still confused about the baby making process, at age eight one of my gal pals and I would put tape over our mouths, feign making out, and grind on each other in my bathtub in attempts to impregnate the other. All the while we’d call each other by the names of boys in our class.
6. When my friends and I played house I was the mom and they were the babies. I breastfed them. The use of fruit roll-ups was key in pulling this off.
7. By 6th grade the stage where people played house was long over. I began a cycle of always having one very best gal pal who I’d court the shit out of without knowing it. I was the best at giving massages, helping them pick out bras at Victoria’s Secret, and praising their beauty for hours on end. I became a psycho/possessive/delusional type who called to say goodnight, asked questions like “where were you after Latin class?!”, and got irrationally devastated when they went to get ice cream with another girl before our cheer practice. These situations almost always ended with painful “break-ups” that usually took place next to “The Jesus Statue” while we waited for our parents to pick us up from school.
8. In 8th grade, the Marissa and Alex storyline on The OC ignited something in me that had since been dormant. I still remember the “Don’t miss the last five minutes” promo to the episode in which they first kissed. I dealt with these emotions by impersonating Adam Brody on AIM so girls would cyber with me.
9. At the 9th grade girls’ end of the year pool party, I took off my swimsuit and asked my very best friend to get naked with me. Someone drew a picture of the scene in Microsoft Paint and put it on Myspace. Later, there were rumors that we ate whipped cream off each other. I wished to God they were true.
10. I asked my now-gay boyfriend from 10th grade if we could have a threeway with a girl even though I wouldn’t even look at his parts. I eventually got to make out with her, because despite the fact that she went off to bible school and got married at 18, her man was “a cool husband.” She told me not to go all lezzy on her. Whoops.