What It Means When I Look At Your OkCupid Profile

I used to look at other people’s OKCupid profiles because I wanted to see if we were compatible enough to date. Those days are dead. Here are the real reasons I look at OKCupid profiles.

I’m showing you to my friends.

When I check your profile multiple times after our date, it’s not because I’m obsessed with you. It’s because I’m showing my friends the profiles for all five OKCupid guys I’ve been out with in the past four nights.  And honestly, we’re probably laughing at you because you thought using Photobooth’s color pencil effect was a good call and because you drunkenly confided in me that you think you’re a shaman.

I’m attempting to plagiarize your profile.

I hate filling out OKCupid’s “About Me” section because I don’t feel like I can be honest. If I could be, I’d write, “I’m a judgmental b-tch who likes DnD, Ayn Rand, and pushing away anyone who tries to get close to me. Sometimes I eat a sleeve of Oreos and spend the entire day on Tumblr. Impressed, gentlemen?” but then everyone would realize how pathetic I am even before messaging me. So I look at other straight girls’ profiles for ideas. I never find anything worthy of copying though, because most girls’ profiles look like this: [disclaimer about how much girl hates summarizing herself because she’s too complex of a being to fit inside of a text box, the name of the pet Pomeranian girl owns, and two or three insightful and descriptive sentences about how girl likes having a good time, doing stuff, going out, working out, hanging out, having fun, and laughing].

I know you from high school.

You probably don’t remember me. I wasn’t very memorable. But I saw your picture, recognized you, and decided I had to know whether I was winning some weird post-adolescent competition that exists only in my mind. I visit your profile to find out where you went to college, whether you now have a job, and most importantly, if I’ve surpassed you in hotness since we graduated. Don’t worry, I won’t send you an awkward message. We don’t need to reconnect.

I’m trying to manipulate you into messaging me.

If I actually wanted you to message me, I wouldn’t view your profile twice a day, every day, for a week. Okay — that’s a lie. I do that. But I change my settings so that you can’t tell how often I view your profile, or I take a couple of screen shots and save them in a folder with the same name as your username. (This leads to my mom borrowing my laptop and asking why I have so many folders titled with some variation of “taco.”) If you notice me frequenting your profile, it’s because I’m playing the game where I see how many times I have to view your profile before you message me. The lower the number, the less awful I feel about the guy I actually like on OKCupid not responding to the message I sent him while drunk, in which I told him I have screen shots of his face saved on my desktop and would he like to marry me? …Yet. I still have hope. TC mark

image – Shutterstock


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  • Anonymous

    Haha, excellent.

  • mendelsohn

    Ayn Rand though? Really?

    • Womp

      Yeah, any sympathy I might have had was completely destroyed by the Ayn Rand mention.

  • LlamaB

    Good luck finding a meaningful relationship! It sounds like being a shallow, insecure jerk is really working for you.

    • Oliver Miller

      Good luck with the leaving of angry comments to strangers on the internet!  Seems like that must be really… working out for you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/TomSmizzle Tom Smith

    Do you actually screenshot people’s pages and keep them in folders?
    Maybe you should message them instead?

    • Oliver Miller

      Enh, I do that too though.  It helps me procrastinate and agonize instead of actually, say, messaging them instead.

      • http://www.facebook.com/TomSmizzle Tom Smith

        Don’t get me wrong, I understand the urge to be obsessive while not appearing to be obsessive. I usually leave a profile open in a tab so that I can examine it closely while not making more than one notification message appear.

  • Stu


  • Stu


  • Guest

    I feel you girl.

  • Guest

    I feel you girl.

  • LazyReader

    She brings up a point that I’ve often wondered about–and thank GOD someone else has noticed this too–why on EARTH do SO many guys have some variation of “TACO” in their user name?!?!

    • http://twitter.com/iamsubmerged Jordana Bevan

      if the username you want is already taken, okcupid has a list of add-on words to put on the end of the username. _taco is th emost popular

      • LazyReader

        I know about the issues with the username choice, but WHY “taco” in the first place?!?!  That’s just bizarre….do guys think girls are attracted to guys named “taco”?  Is it supposed to be seen as whimsical or spicey?!  The mind reels…….

    • Anonymous

      It’s because when you first sign up on OKC and type in a username that has already been taken, OKC will auto-suggest a variation of that name by adding “taco” to it — no joke. What’s worse is that so many people find the new version an acceptable username for themselves!

      • LazyReader

        I will NEVER message a guy named “taco”…..aside from the bizarreness of it…..it shows a profound lack of creativity in creating an alternate name for oneself when presented with a minor setback such as “Username already in use”…..what would they do if lost in the woods?

    • Shane

      Maybe it’s from the tv show “The League” the stoner character is called Taco. Great show.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jessi.smith1 Jessi Smith

    I believe my OkCupid profile is a work of art, but I also worry sometimes that putting “I’m a fear biter :(” in my “Most private thing I’m willing to admit” section is deterring my potential soul mate from messaging me.

    • Anonymous

      My most private thing I’m willing to admit is that I have a yellow mellow/selective flushing policy. More guys ask me about that than any other thing in the profile.

      • Autumn

        might be time to up your game elsewhere in your profile…

  • Anonymous

    It makes me sad…thinking of a person who has put themselves out there in that ambiguous and vulnerable space of a dating site, agonized over how to present themselves, what to say, how to convey the necessary elements of +them+, and they take a chance and think maybe the colored pencil thing will be kind of cute, or different, and maybe get somebody to notice them, to acknowledge their existence for just a moment…

    And that happens…but it’s a bunch of catty girls huddled around a computer. Judging him. Laughing at him. Turning his honest, good-faith attempt at resolving his loneliness — his nerve-wracking but mature step toward a meaningful relationship — into something like a joke. It seems so mean, Amy.

    I don’t know. Maybe it’s normal. I don’t do the online dating thing. Probably, it’s better that way.

    • Autumn

      I think it’s only normal for the excessively insecure. Everyone else outgrows this kind of thing in high school.

    • Miru

      Thank you for verbalizing this sentiment and for standing up in the face of cynicism. The world could use many more kinder people like you. :)

    • http://piratecake.wordpress.com Byron

      That was a cool thing to say. Wish you weren’t anon, so I could give you more props.

  • macgyver51

    I truly thought that OK Cupid was one of those sites tha run the banner ads that only my folks and boss “accidentally” click on.

  • Emily O'Donnell

    I thought of another one to add to the list: Looking at someone’s okcupid profile to determine when the last time they were online was. If they are someone you have gone out with and/or have some interest in this inevitably leads you to agonize over who else they are talking to on okcupid or whose profiles they may be perusing and oh god why aren’t you good enough for them???

    Yeah, I’m glad my okcupid days are behind me.

    • Misswhitne

      I went out with this guy 2 times. I’m really into him and he seems into me. But I’ve noticed he keeps viewing my profile! I’ve been trying to figure out why but I guess I have my answer.

  • Benjy

    Let’s play DnD together! :D

  • Christopher Reynolds

    “I’m a judgmental b-tch who likes DnD, Ayn Rand, and pushing away anyone
    who tries to get close to me. Sometimes I eat a sleeve of Oreos and
    spend the entire day on Tumblr. Impressed, gentlemen?” 

    You are my dream woman.

  • http://www.apple.com steve jobs


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