Apology For Bad Sex

Dear _____________,

This is a letter of apology for the terrible sexual intercourse we’re about to have. I just wanted to take a moment to accept full responsibility and provide several philosophical justifications for a night that you and your friends will undoubtedly laugh about for years to come.

Let’s begin with the ontological aspect of it all. As an atheist, I’ve lived my life firmly committed to the belief that, if I can’t see it, it’s not there. Naturally, vaginas present quite the metaphysical quandary, because there’s lots of stuff I can’t find that I’m pretty sure is still there. Like this mythical clitoris everybody keeps going on about.

I’m not saying that I’m bad at sex because I don’t believe in God. I’m simply explaining that questions directly pertaining to sex (Where does my penis go? How can I tell if she’s actually having an orgasm? What does it mean if she’s yelling someone else’s name?) tend to get subsumed by larger metaphysical questions related to the very nature of being.

Even if I were able to subsume these ontological hurdles, there’s still the pragmatic aspect to consider. Frankly, I lack sufficient empirical evidence to verify the existence of the female orgasm. We’ll need to have sex four or five times before I can start mapping quantifiable trends.

I’m pretty sure that the politically correct term for sexually inept pragmatists is Nietzscheians, but I’ve never been attached to labels. I prefer to think of myself as a sexual athlete. Like many of history’s greatest sprinters, I have a tendency to finish first. What can I say? The female body is significantly more complicated than my left hand. How can I be expected to know what to do when I can’t even work the buttons on my new touch-screen phone?

It’s almost enough to make me want to give up on pragmatism completely. That’s why I’ve been reading a lot of Marxist literature lately. Did you know that the quality of our sexual intercourse has been predetermined by capitalist relationships of exploitation? It’s true. Everything is predetermined by capital.

You see, I am a passive consumer of commodified images. I’ve been trained my entire life by mega-corporations like Anheuser-Busch and Johnnie Walker to believe that, if I drink alcohol, women will think I am clever and funny. Alas, the insidious truth of late-stage capitalism — that women only think I’m clever and funny when they’re drunk — escapes me whenever my id overtakes my ego.

Can I help it if capitalism decided to oppress me by making me bad at sex? Absolutely not. The only way to fight capitalism is to let me Occupy your vagina until I stop being bad at sex 99% of the time. It’s probably going to be pretty unsatisfying sex, I’ve already admitted that — but at some point this has to stop being about us. We’re doing it for the rev, babe.

Just because I’m all about the class struggle doesn’t mean I can’t take time to try to understand my failings as a man from a feminist perspective. There are a lot of men out there who can’t be bothered to take the time to read feminist literature. Not me. I’m all about those bitches. I just re-read “The Sexual Politics of Meat” by Carol Adams. She writes about the ways that women are devalued via metaphors that implicitly compare them to animals. That’s why I never do it doggy-style. It’s disrespectful.

Respect is important. That’s why, if we have sex tonight, I’m just going to lie there, completely motionless. It won’t be because I’m not enjoying our time together. I’m simply trying to respect your sexual autonomy by letting you do all the work. I’m not lazy. I’m just not comfortable being assertive or dominant if there’s a chance it’ll render you a passive subject. So get ready for the least phallocentric sex you’ve ever had. It’ll be like my penis isn’t even there.


AR TC mark

image – Shutterstock


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  • http://www.vview.co.za/ Glenn Kisela

    This is hilarious! This is going somewhere visible on my bedroom wall. You know, like my disclaimer to women.

    • SSR

      Mine will be in the form of a disclaimer that comes with a complimentary pen – because I’m nice like that 

      • http://www.vview.co.za/ Glenn Kisela

        Haha well played, touche!

  • eb

    I feel like you’re apologizing for all bad-sexing-men here. Thank you, but no thanks… :P

  • allmenshouldhaveadisclaimer


  • http://ohmenver.tumblr.com/ ohmenver

    I hated this.

  • http://twitter.com/iamsubmerged Jordana Bevan

    can someone turn this into a waiver?

  • http://twitter.com/yvonne1503 yvonne

    “The only way to fight capitalism is to let me Occupy your vagina until I stop being bad at sex 99% of the time.” 
    I had to crack up at that even though I’m a female.

  • Ashley

    Hilarious! I lost it at “I have a tendency to finish first.”

  • Natalie

    At least you’re having sex. 

  • WendyBird

    From start to finish, I absolutely loved this bit of prose. Now if only it could have lasted a bit longer…

  • Beebop69

    Am I supposed to think this is intelligent because you name dropped a shit-load of philosophical concepts without doing them justice in anyway whatsoever?

    • Rishtopher

      To be fair, it’s tagged “lol”, I think that you’re just supposed to read and maybe laugh.

      • Beebop69

        can’t laugh. 2 angry

    • Annene

      I assume you might be young; but please for  moment consider that you might want to read some early Woody Allen essays, contemplate the nature of satire, and learn how to construct a properly punctuated response before you start throwing stones at this fine essay.

      • Beebop69

        Thanks for the input Annene! I assume you are old, which must suck. But, this is probably the reason you both identify with this “fine essay” and admire its wit. Maybe we could sit down some time and you could explain punctuation and other mysteries of the universe, because you probably know a lot.

      • Annene

        Thanks “Beebop69” (if I may call you that.)  I don’t know what you’ve heard, but being old is fantastic.  I’m considering investing in a lawn so I can tell people to remove themselves from it.

    • Anonymous

      BEEBOP 69–

      Let me congratulate you for pointing out that this article, with it’s many jokes about masturbation and vaginas, lacks philosophical depth. You’re practically a Rhodes Scholar! If you want people to justify philosophical concepts, then READ SOME FUCKING PHILOSOPHY. Until you write something better, please keep your pretentious opinions to yourself.

      • Beebop69

        Hi Awkward Giant,

        You sound mad! Are you gonna cry? You should take a lesson from Lipstein’s article on Barthes and Freud, he really “justifies” (lol) some philosophical concepts in his piece.

        Nice try! Maybe next time. From your friend,


        p.s. it was me who liked your comment

  • Tracey

    I enjoyed this. And you’re forgiven.

  • Kelsey Love

    you’re glorious. that is all. 

  • peacefulone

    Hilarious !

  • guest

    All this did was make me want to Google The Sexual Politics of Meat 

  • Anonymous

    This is made of awesome :D

  • http://twitter.com/valentinelee kristine lee

    This article started as funny and witty but  it became pretty lame in the middle. So stop making a philosophical alibi for your not being good in bed because you’re lazy. just shut your mouth and be contented with your hand.

  • Jimmie S

    This is awesome! And trust me, you are not the only one with difficulties. . .

  • north star

    So when did sex come to be about capitalism. And there is no point to any of this…never getting around to explaining what your deeper questions are…and what causes you to lay there motionless….and how does that in any way promote feminism? Seems like an extremely sarcastic way of disrespecting a woman just the same.

    • Lilym


  • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com/ Maxwell Chance

    Dude. Love you.

  • Anonymous

    This is hilarious!

  • CertifiedJatt

    I thought this was going to be hilarious and full of wit. I thought.

    • Guest

      I thought you were going to get off your ass and write something yourself. I thought. 

  • guest

    maybe you’re just gay bro. next one could be ~*~apology for being such a faggot~*~

  • Pretzel

    BeeBop69 For Prez

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