The Embarrassing Things I Have Said To Famous People

Sometimes, when I am in the vicinity of a famous – or B-list semi-famous – person, and within arm’s length of a bar, I will walk up to said famous person and start talking. That’s not to say I yap at any Gwneyth Paltrow that walks through the doors for happy hour. I’m just not the type to shy away from telling people how awesome I think they are, and I will only do it if I really am a fan of their work – I mean, you won’t see me pushing through crowds to tell Justin Beiber that clouds parted and rainbows appeared when I first heard “Baby.” That being said, here is a list of how I met four people who are known by many other people, and the weird shit my brain decided my mouth should say.

Aziz Ansari: When he is in town, Aziz is a frequent patron of a bar that I go on the regular (read: It’s the only bar I go to. My mail is forwarded to its address.) I spotted him last summer, when my friends and I were counteracting the claustrophobic heat by sitting on the bar’s patio. We lived for word play and often introduced ourselves to strangers by writing haikus for them based on whatever details we gleaned from their oft-boring introductions. Anyway, I delivered Aziz a haiku I wrote for him. Even though the haiku prompted a wary, albeit friendly, response, Aziz stuck around to talk with us for a while, as one of my buddies happened to be from a similar area of the South as he was. When he was leaving, though, I suddenly blurted: “By the way, congratulations on the success you’ve had with Community. Oh my god, I mean Parks and Recreation – I’m confusing my Indians. Oh my god.” This unplanned word vomit got a far bigger laugh out of him than the haiku.

Jason Sudeikis: My friend organizes a stand up night in Park Slope, and Jason recently participated in it. The set list included Jon Glaser, who I am crazy about and who also happens to star in Adult Swim’s Delocated. At one point, I walked to the bathroom and spotted Mr. Glaser. Bladder relieved, I was prepared to tell him how hysterical I thought he was, and that I particularly enjoyed his cameo in Jon Benjamin Drives a Van. Unfortunately, Jason happened to be chatting him up already. And by unfortunately, I mean unfortunately for Jason. Undeterred by Jason’s celebrity, I nonchalantly wedged myself between the two men and said, “Hey Jason, you were funny,” before immediately turning to Glaser to declare, “AND YOU ARE AWESOME, DUDE.” I then turned back to Jason, and said, “You know, I think my tone was off – you were really funny though.” Thankfully he laughed and gave me space to talk to my current hero. I think that was the first time Jason had been shunned by a woman in favor of a 40-something man with an afro.

Later that night, Jason happened to be standing and smiling next to me, and I turned and spoke to him again. What did I say? “Sooo, do you come here often?” I’m still trying to repress that.

Simon Amstell: Not as famous as the other two – and certainly not as embarrassing either. Simon used to host the British comedy talk show Never Mind the Buzzcocks. He is the most delightful curly haired gay man you may never meet, but he is also known for verbally eviscerating his celebrity guests. I met Simon, like Aziz, at my bar of choice. It was karaoke night. I love karaoke, and, apparently, so does Simon. My friends and I sidled up to the table Simon and his friend were at, and we entered into a friendly drunken chat. At one point, Simon asked what I did, and I laughed and said, “Well I mean I do stuff, but let’s talk about YOU, SIR. What do you do?” He said he was in town hosting UCB. We talked a bit about the improv center, at which point I finally confessed, “Listen, I’m sorry. I know who you are – from the BBC.” Simon replied, “No, no. I’m hosting UCB,” probably thinking, “Americans ARE as dumb as you hear about on TV… and possibly have verbal dyslexia issues as well.” It took a two-minute back-and-forth until he understood what I meant and then became visibly delighted to know people in America sometimes know about things in England.

Ira Glass: Definitely the person most known for his intellect on this list, and therefore the obvious recipient of my most embarrassing remarks. My friend and I went to a taping last winter for the Christmas episode of This American Life. It was fantastic and heart-warming and I may or may not have consumed four whiskey-on-the-rocks during the show – I’m not sure only because it could have been five or six. Afterward, my friend and I wanted a photo with Ira Glass because, hello, he is Ira Goddamn Glass. He obliged and we chatted a bit. Somehow “chatting a bit” turned into me asking about his hoodie, which was from American Apparel. I told him how I used to work for the company, and he mentioned that he supported Dov Charney and his endeavors. I asked, with logic on my side, if that meant he supported blowjobs during interviews with Elle Magazine. And then I excused myself and left the premises.

But you know what? I regret nothing. At best, these are all funny anecdotes that these dudes may remember for a few days. At worst, these are all funny anecdotes that I will remember forever, and unabashedly share with my friends and the internet. TC mark

image – This American Life

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  • Anonymous

    Humblebrag.

    • ellie

      disagree. 

    • Anonymous

      ObligatoryonewordsentencethatshowshowinteliigentandwittyIam.

  • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

    Love it.  Long live word vomit.

  • Johnathan Harrington

    Aaaa, Simon Amstell is my favourite from that list :o

  • Gitbizzy

    When I was 16 I asked Ira Glass if, given the choice would he be a knight or a pirate. He said pirate.

    • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

      You must always regret asking such a stupid question.

    • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

      You must always regret asking such a stupid question.

    • Anonymous

      Same thing happened with me and my girlfriend.
      Not so cool.

  • http://www.facebook.com/tinafine Tina Fine

    Walking down Mercer Street, NYC and Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife, ER) walks out of a store front and passes right in front of me.  I said emphatically,  “I Love You”  meant to say I love your acting/show.  She was so cool, she turned, said “Thanks.”

    • Anonymous

      Same thing happened with me and my girlfriend.
      Not so cool.

  • http://profiles.google.com/flesheatingsheep Caroline Knowles

    lololol the comment to Ira was fair though. 

  • Anonymous

    i told that kid that plays mclovin in superbad to shut the fuck up during mumford & sons’ set at coachella this year. bitch would not stop screaming along to the lyrics and he really can’t sing. it was cute.

  • xra

    wow american apparel dude got a bj during an interview wait was it the inerviewer or some chick under his desk or what

  • xra

    wow american apparel dude got a bj during an interview wait was it the inerviewer or some chick under his desk or what

  • guest

    I asked Paul Dano ‘cash or credit’

    WHOA

  • guest

    I asked Paul Dano ‘cash or credit’

    WHOA

  • Anonymous

    I told Michael Stipe that I loved the gray in the air, and he said “That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard about the sky. You are a true artist.”

    .. I told him not to panic if I fainted. I did not faint but I felt really weak at the knees and strong at the heart.

    • gladhand

      lol

  • Whitney

    Ira Glass gave a lecture at the theatre I worked at as an undergrad (2 months ago, derp) and I was running lights for his show, which is ironic considering, you know, he’s a RADIO PERSONALITY. I’m a big fan of his and was working really hard to suppress my innate derpiness (I had to do this when Joe Gordon-Levitt came and introduced himself to me. It was really hard not to say “I KNOW WILLYOUMARRYME”. I might have said it a little bit.) Anyway, Mr. Glass was very kind, introduced himself to me and made a joke about keeping him in the dark and I laughed obnoxiously loud and awkwardly and then stole his red bull when he wasn’t looking. 

  • alex

    so jealous of all the people you have met. 

    • alex

      wait i phrased that weird
      im jealous of you for meeting the people
      not the people for meeting you
      even though im sure you’re a nice person

      • http://roamania.tumblr.com Jillypants

        i enjoyed this as much as the article 

  • Anonymous

    I completely embarrassed myself in front of Simon Amstell a few weeks ago. I was DJing at a university ball and noticed Simon Amstell on the dancefloor. He’d just done some stand-up earlier that evening and NOW HE WAS GROOVING TO MY TUNES. (I was playing Like A Prayer.) While I was DJing, I realised that Amstell was putting the moves on a very blonde, very attractive underage-looking prettyboy. (This is his thing, apparently. He likes them young and pretty.) 

    OK, I’ll admit I was not entirely sober. Maybe this was all in my head! Anyway, after I finished the gig, I walked out of the dance tent, spotted my friend, and screamed at him “SIMON AMSTELL WAS TRYING TO PULL SOME JAILBAIT KID DURING MY SET”. Midway through, I realised that my friend was sloooooowly shaking his head at me.

    I turn around and Simon Amstell is staring right at me. He is standing with the boy he was dancing with before. They walk away together.

    I walk away ashamed.

  • Niamh McNally

    I am Irish, and if you are not Irish, there is something you might not know- most Irish people are super-irritated by Damien Rice. he’s really quite a douche. but it was still very uncomfortable when I met him by crawling into my friend’s tent at a music festival wearing a homemade “Damien Rice is a Cunt” teeshirt. it’s true what my Mammy says- don’t say something about someone that you wouldn’t be happy to say to their face because you never know when it’ll come back to bite you in the arse.

    • flibbityjibbity

      His sound guy, Jonathan, is also a douche.  One of the biggest, fattest douches I’ve ever met, in fact.

  • http://amateurcartographer.tumblr.com elizabeth wisker

    i love kristen stewart – pre-twilight, post-twilight, yes-even-twilight – and i always say how i’d die of happiness if i ever met her. however, just as i like to think i’d be the kind of person who would run into a burning building to save lives or leave the urban life for a quaint cottage, the truth is i pray i never ever ever have to think of something to say to her in person.

    thankfully, i know ms. kaela kennedy – author – and, more thankfully, she’ll probably be around to save me should k. stew ever appear. 

  • http://roamania.tumblr.com Jillypants

    the only thing i ever say to celebrities is “are you bored?”. i hate meeting famous people for this reason.

  • blood bath

    really wish i didn’t know Ira supported Dov Charney.

  • Tom

    I met Danny Boyle and told him how crap I thought his bit-part on Eastenders was.

  • Roosh

    I met Taye Diggs and told him liked him in Transformers and 2 Fast 2 Furious….he simply replied….”that was another bald black man”. I felt incredibly dumb and hung my head as i walked away in shame.

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