The curve of your jaw forever imprinted in my mind. I’ve memorized the lines on your palm, the way your fingers intertwined with mine. I couldn’t help but think to myself, you really were something different, you were special.
Our story was something else. It wasn’t the typical boy-meets-girl—boy-likes-girl relationship. We were friends, good friends actually. But there was always something there—something between you and me. I never knew what it was, but it was always there, I was sure of it. And I know you saw it too. We never said anything, but we felt it. We always treated each other a bit more special than how we treated other people.
After a while I kept telling myself that this wasn’t right; you weren’t good for me, that I should stop this right then and there. Because although I wanted to be the girl who never got attached, I just wasn’t—I was not the type of girl who could play these kinds of emotional games. I knew, eventually this would all hurt. Yet, a bigger part of me kept saying that I should hold onto this feeling; hold onto these doubts and fears. Because at the end of the day, no matter how much this all frustrated me, and how complicated our “relationship” was—you made me happy, and I didn’t want to mess that up.
I believe the feelings you had for me were never as deep as the feelings I had for you. Although, there were times when you looked at me and I swear I saw something in your eyes. Something that told me you wanted me— needed me even. Or maybe it was just a reflection of how much I wanted you, how much I wanted this — us. And if only I were brave enough to allow myself to just fall into you, I would; I would fall fast. But, the thing is, I wasn’t—I was afraid to take that risk, so I decided to just stand by and continue pretending that this confusing guessing game of whether-or-not-we-were getting-somewhere wasn’t hurting me at all. But it was, it really was.
Somehow we eventually told each other how we really felt. But unlike in most stories where moments like that would usually come as big magical fairy tale reveal, ours was at 3 am, somewhere in a crowd, you were drunk and I was hoping you wouldn’t remember me even telling you how I felt. So it wasn’t magical, nor a fairy tale, it was just real.
I think this is what made everything hurt a little bit more. The fact that it was all out there, you knew how I felt, and I knew how you felt. But why didn’t you make a move? Didn’t you want us to happen? Didn’t you want more? Damn, why didn’t you want more? You told me you fell for me—but that was it. Yes, you fell for me, but just not enough for you to want to be with me.
And honestly, I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was rooting for you; I was rooting for us. I really wanted you to do something; make a move and prove me wrong. I was hoping that this— what we had, was as special to you as it was to me. I still believed that maybe, just maybe, I could still write a happy ending to our sudden but hopefully beautiful love story. I don’t blame you though. Our story was different, you were different. I can’t blame you for not feeling the way I felt about you; for not falling for me as hard as I fell for you.
Maybe we are better off as friends? Maybe “we” will always just be a part of my make-believe happy story? Maybe “we” were never really a whole book, but just a chapter to be read? Amidst all these thoughts and heartaches, I know one thing—you will always be my favorite yet most painful story to tell.
There were days when the hard painful truth would just come and sucker-punch me in the gut; It was during these instances I saw glimpses of reality— that no matter how much I wanted to believe this would all work out and the universe would take our side. It just wouldn’t. You just aren’t my person. And that’s okay. Because the moments I had with you will always be moments worth keeping. And although we aren’t end-game, you are an amazing person who deserves the world, and so am I. But we just weren’t the people who were destined to give it to each other.
You will always have a little piece of my heart, and hopefully I’ll always have a little piece of yours. We had the chemistry but I guess our timing was off—we wanted different things, led different lives. I suddenly realized we deserve more—you and me. “More” might not be with each other, but we deserve to be happy, no drama, no games.
So here it is; I’m finally letting you go. I just can’t keep waiting for you to fall for me the way I fell for you, I have to let go of this — let go of you. I’ll always be thankful for our little romance, I’ll always be thankful for you.
For a moment, you were everything I ever wanted. But that moment didn’t stretch into forever; and that’s okay.