1. We do not kiss. Boys.
Never, never, never tell your young daughter this. If she is rebellious, she’ll be on the fast track to stardom on MTV’s “Pre-pubescent & Pregnant,” which let’s be real- is on their radar if they are willing to remove all modicums of decency from their programming. Oh wait.
Or she might take you literally and be functionally afraid of boys, later guys, for her entire developmental period. Trust me on this one, you do not want your daughter to miss out on kissing guys until she has married friends. Not sayin, just sayin.
More seriously, that’s a real thing. Ladies, we do kiss boys. Maybe fifth graders should hear “you aren’t quite old enough to kiss boys yet, but in a few years, you will be.” Ignoring reality or creating a false reality for your children does nothing for them but cripple their development. And then they have to deal with it later. I’m not saying teach your teenaged daughters to give a beej or download porn apps for your son. Certainly some level of sheltering is advisable and they will one day appreciate you for it.
But take it from someone who had to learn about Riding in Cars with Boys from Drew Barrymore and Mary Katherine Gallagher. Severe underdevelopment of dating ability is real and it comes from Moms making statements like that.
2. Fake it til you make it.
See above advice. Faking it was a necessity, because telling a 25 year old man he is your first kiss will NEVER END WELL. But HEY, I faked it, and guess what?! I made it! Nobody was the wiser, except the people who already knew. Keeping with the kissing theme, here is a list of a few of my favorite quotes from guys I made out with in the “early” days to illustrate that faking it until you make it will, in fact work:
- I really like kissing you. (First kiss)
- I like your tongue. (Same guy, subsequent encounter)
- Fuck! You’re a good kisser.
- You’re teasing me, quit teasing me!
- No one’s ever done that. It’s kinda kinky. I like it.
Double digits in under two years? Eat your heart out, Mom.
P.S. This does not apply to things other than kissing. DO NOT FAKE IT. Say it with me: Instructions, ladies.
3. Never go to sleep without brushing your teeth.
A guy I dated once told me this. It was a rule he lived by. It’s a good one. You’re already going to wake up with bad breath. Why make it worse than it has to be? Kissing will happen in the morning…it’s better for everyone.
4. If you wanna know if he loves you so, it’s in his kiss (that’s where it is).
Not sure how valid this is, but chick flicks and old books and music always say “love” and mean, “Wow I just met this awesome person and think they are really, really attractive and make me a little crazy inside.” Oh, lust.
This classic line does speak some truth, though, at least in my life. Of all the guys I’ve been involved with, I can tell you which ones were into it and which ones really weren’t based on how they were when they kissed me. See the difference in that and how well they kissed? That doesn’t mean my He Loves Me So’s ended in looooove, but the “It’s in his kiss” test can separate the Just Hookups from the He Likes Me (He really liked me!).
It involves a bit of hindsight, but if you’re honest with yourself and start watching how you kiss with people you like versus the hookups, you might be able to discern a subtle difference.
This test isn’t about their skill. Sometimes someone is a GREAT kisser but you can tell it means nothing. Sometimes they sorta suck, but they do it with such emphatic effort. Hone this instinct to tell the difference. I’m not saying the test exists in a vacuum, but it’s definitely instructive.
If his kissing blows you out of the water and you like him, thinking beneath the technical skills and getting to the feelings can separate the men from the boys for you.
Side note: Only one person in my life has truly, truly passed both the “It’s in his kiss” and the “I’m dying over your technical skills” tests. We never dated.
Which brings me to….
5. Long Distance Never Works (At The Beginning).
I don’t care if he is the most spectacular human you have ever met (he probably isn’t).
I don’t care if you met randomly on a girls’ weekend and he flies to see you the next weekend and introduces you to his dad and then flies you to see him the next weekend.
I don’t care if you met and sparks flew and you make out for four hours every time you find yourself in the same city.
I don’t care if you spend six months combining suggestive texts and the occasional tangential visit with literally supporting each other emotionally by sharing your deepest, darkest secrets in six-hour phone calls and inter-office gchats.
Obviously he works at your company.
I don’t care that the conversations are great and he checks off every last thing on your Perfect Man List that you know you at least keep in your head.
I don’t care that your gut isn’t screaming NOT THIS ONE (for maybe the first time ever).
I don’t care if he said he’s willing to put in the effort because it’s worth it to him.
It. is. never. worth it.
Trust me, none of those are hypothetical. Fortunately, not all of them are my stories.
Date more or less in your area code.
Don’t torture yourself with what-ifs.
Sleepless in Seattle is like, so 1993. And if you were anything like me, you did not kiss boys in 1993.