1. Only talk to your “friend” when you need something from them. Definitely don’t text or call them just to see how they’re doing. That’s way too friendly.
2. Ignore your friend’s attempts at making plans and spending time with you. Why do they keep trying to hang out anyway? Do they think we’re friends or something? Wait…
3. Scratch that, DON’T ignore their attempts at hanging out. Accept the plans and make a plan for what you will do, but then unexpectedly cancel right before. You don’t feel good. You have to take your car in to get fixed. You’re running errands. (Read: you have a gross older man in your bed and don’t feel like leaving the house to hang out with your friend.) Maybe just don’t cancel–just flake out entirely and don’t even tell them. Flakiness is key.
4. Forget your friend’s birthday and don’t get them a card or present. Don’t even try to make them feel special. Just don’t. That might give them the idea that you are friends. Which you are. Aren’t you?
5. Though your friend may make great efforts at spending time with you, making sure you’re doing okay, and overall going above and beyond to keep you in their life–make it a living hell for them to do so. You have more important things to do like stay home, watch Netflix, get drunk, lie about what you’re doing, or go out with other friends. Forget your good friend. You have a handful of crappy friends who can replace them.
6. This one is important: make sure you talk behind your friend’s back. To anyone and everyone, about anything you can think of. Make up lies about your friend that you know are not true, but at least you will have something interesting to tell all of your other fake friends! In fact– talk behind all your friends’ backs! Bonus points.
7. When you do see your friend make sure you address them as a best friend and even act like their best friend. The moment you depart from them you have free reign to go back to being a shitty friend, and getting drunk off of cheap wine in your living room every night.
Congrats, you’re officially a terrible friend!