Here’s the situation: I have two weeks of unadulterated, living-at-my-moms-house freedom between the end of my internship and my senior year of college. Obviously, I’m balancing my very precious time between thinking about working out, not working out, and spending the beautiful and sunny daytime hours watching Law & Order: SVU.
It’s 1:00 pm and I’m on my fourth episode. This one stars Kathy Griffin, who I attempted to identify in a scientific Google search of “Kathi Lee Griffin.” A sad people-smush of Kathy Griffin and Kathi Lee Gifford. Both insane, one significantly more ginger than the other.
I feel like Law & Order is just one big test. Every character looks so familiar. I KNOW I’ve seen you somewhere, but I can’t quite place you, mysteriously familiar C-List celebrity. If I die today, know that’s where my “SVU girl arm chopped off Iron Chef America” Google searches came from.
Okay, now Kathi-Lee-Hoda-whoever-she-is just kissed Olivia Benson.
Every time I see Olivia Benson on screen. I can’t help but think about the fact that Taylor Swift named her cat Olivia Benson. That’s a dumb cat name.
Speaking of Olivia Benson, I don’t think she ages. You go Mariska Hargitay.
The 2:00 pm episode just started. It’s amazing how time just flies with such riveting television. This episode features Mischa Barton as a sad prostitute.
Oh my GOD Mischa Barton just fell down the stairs and now she’s surprise pregnant. In the moment I was processing that, USA switched to a promo featuring one of their stars talking on her stoop. She’s promoting “Daytime USA.”
Yes, I’m aware it’s 2:30 in the afternoon on a Wednesday but this week of summer is supposed to be relaxing not judgey, damn it.
Eating a greek yogurt to remedy this judgey situation. I may not really have my life together and this greek yogurt may taste like tart sadness, but I’m under the impression this is healthy and theoretically it has enough protein to hold me over until dinner.
Problem #1: I’m 20 so I make my own rules. Dinner can be whenever I want.
Problem #2: This honestly tastes like ass. I just added two Splendas to it – according to science, I should be having massive sugar cravings in 30 minutes and also I’ve poisoned my body with chemicals. I miss the days when high fructose corn syrup was the in-vogue chemical to hate. I could pronounce that.
Also, I’m sorry I let you down, John Stamos. You look great in those commercials and I feel feelings towards this artificially sweetened pot of sadness.
Mischa Barton’s water just broke as she was unconscious and seizing in the apartment of two college kids who had requested her as a prostitute via Craig’s List.
Predictably, this made me hungry and too scared to go into my garage. Guess I’ll just keep watching.
Apparently Mischa had emergency C-section during the commercial break. That was an hour ago and her baby bump is already gone? Maybe I should stop thinking about working out and actually get my shit together. This is the most fucked up fitspiration ever. I blame this mental delusion on the Splenda.
Cliff-hanger to end this one as Olivia Benson (not the cat) is left to make a decision to save Mischa Barton’s child who she inexplicably abandoned. DUN DUN.