For The Parent Who I Left Behind

I do not hate you. But I do not miss you. And when I say I do not miss you, I mean that I do not miss the other side of you. I do miss you though. The mom that sang and danced like an idiot with me in the kitchen, the mom that calmed me down after a bad day at school, the mom that hugged me and loved me like a mother should. I miss that version of you.

I know that you are not a monster. I know that you are not evil. I know that you are not a bad person. There were times you were my amazing mother. We danced in the kitchen, sang out hearts out, cried over sappy love movies, went on mother-daughter dates to the mall and even had some heart to hearts.

But there were also some ugly parts. Ugly parts that I try so hard to forget. I try so hard to move on from. I have tried for years to erase them from my memory so I can move on and be able to show you my love. But I can not. I do not know why. I do not know how. I do not know when. There are days where I think I have forgiven you and think I can move on and be able to have you in my life and then there are days where the memories cloud the thought of forgiveness.

The worst part of it all is that I hate that I cannot forgive you. That I cannot put aside all of the ugly and have a relationship with you. I miss the good and I know that I will always miss the good us even when the ugly clouds the forgiveness.

Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing on here or in life.

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