My eyes burst open at 4:30 this morning.
My head wasn’t pounding anymore and a sudden sense of clarity seemed to linger in the air.
My olive sheets were entangled in a fabric mess, pillows hurled in every direction, as if a hurricane had assaulted my bed in the night.
I really don’t need so many pillows.
I dilly-dallied my way to the kitchen, not even slightly annoyed that I could still be asleep or that the coffee timer hadn’t gone off yet.
I let my weight lean up against the counter pondering why whoever built this kitchen thought that the layout was a good idea.
It’s pretty horrible.
Penelope is yelling at me, which can only mean one thing: she is hungry yet again.
Most mornings I mumble at her that she is spoiled rascal, reminding her that she could still be on the streets.
She lets me pick her up. I kiss the silly tan spot on her chest and stroke her charming half ear.
It is one of my big meeting days and being the new girl, I am surprisingly calm. I take my time getting ready as I sip from my mug of black coffee, making sure to take in every drink.
I have decided to start asking myself for more. Not in the way where I expect perfection from myself, but rather in a way where I stop asking so much from others.
I have always been a fixer, always wanting to save the stray animals and over-watering all of my plants until they die.
I have always been a chaser. I am persistent. I always see the best in people and mostly I expect a lot from them.
I love unapologetically and unconditionally. I give and give love even when people make it clear they don’t want it.
Where does this unrelenting need come from?
I really don’t know.
I’ve spent years in counseling and everyone seems to have an answer, but the answer really doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t.
The thing is, I am a tough one. I will bare my soul against all caution and fear. I am strong and I will always climb back out of the holes I fall into.
And at some point I have to learn to give importance to me instead of everyone else and stop letting myself down.
There is no better time than today.
So I will take a break and let the world fall away and figure out how to spin without me, because as much as I fear it won’t, it will.
And in time I will return to my role again. The role I have learned to love and embody. I will return knowing that it will probably still hurt from time to time but that I will always have the strength to begin again.