Just A Reminder For Myself When Things Feel Heavy

women's distressed blue denim jeans
Nadine Shaabana / Unsplash

It is early morning in the desert and I can only hear the sound of the wind in the swell and my own breathing.

The cairn littered peak is drenched in the morning sun.

I consent to what it offers and throw my pack on almost in a hurry.

The vastness of the sand and shrubs lay before me like that of a human being’s capacity for suffering.

All you can do is stand in awe of it.

I closed my eyes and let the morning light settle on my face.

I felt the warmth that flowers must feel when they bloom through the snow, the first concentrated rays of sun.

As I look across the desert panorama, I feel the interior noise and chatter evaporate.

No static in the scenery.

Letting my eyes rest therefore, my heart.

I find myself searching for some kind of story in the wide-open spaces feeling at ease knowing I am surrounded by something bigger than myself.

And then there I was falling in love all over again.

My heart spilling over with such an immense gratitude that words seem too stiff to describe this feeling.

The last few weeks I have been caught up in resentments and self-hate that irritates me to the core because I know better.

I kept telling myself that if I could just get to the desert that things would come into perspective again and that I would understand how small my existence is but how important it is to spend my time on this earth wisely.

I am never going to be perfect and I am always going to love so hard that my scars will inevitably show through. I know that I am going to spend a lot of time alone all while missing people that I know are no good for me.

I know I am going to learn the hard way when it comes to most things and that I will never understand why love isn’t enough.

I am going to see my daughter grow older every year and watch the squint wrinkles appear more fiercely on my forehead.

I am going to see more friends pass away and I am going to miss those that came before..replaying moments that I will never experience again.

But…

I am going to push through and do my best to be an example of kindness to those who I share my moments with.

I am going to love like I always have and let my heart be broken without fear knowing tomorrow will still come.

I am going to continue to nurture my relationship with my beautifully unique family who loves me.

I am going to let the little things remain small and make big things happen by learning and growing.

I am going to be a fighter for those that left too soon.

I am going to be someone that my birth daughter looks up to.

I am going to continue to let the desert kiss my cheeks and gently remind me.

And most of all I am going to write all the things that scare me most. TC mark

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