A War That Is Not Mine

grayscale photo of person wearing jacket
Camilla Plener / Unsplash

This all feels too familiar.

My heart dives into my abdomen and my face turns pale as the porcelain sink in front of me.

Trying to wipe the tears before they present themselves on my cheeks.

I let my gaze rest too long on my eyes and there it is. The light has burrowed away so that I can’t see it.

My dignity decaying, foundation crumbling, de-humanized and helpless.

How did I get here again? I swore I wouldn’t let you rob me of my happiness.

Your silent tantrums followed by band-aid pseudo-remorse.

You are your own poison, it leaks through your skin onto those unfortunate to share your life.

How did I let this happen?

You tell me that my beliefs are not compatible with love and that is why my world is so messed up.

But you wage war and dominate when all I ever wanted was peace and understanding.

Your words are like knives turning my expressions into riddles that make me question who I am.

I am exhausted and cold. Tired.

Sacrificing myself to make sure no one else has to ingest your venom.

To you everything is stupid and I still can’t help but see the good in it all. Even in you.

I’m wandering a maze of confusion and I am not sure that I can navigate.

Carrying a burden knowing there isn’t a chance it will ever be lifted.

I have tried to fix and mend proving unsuccessful at every attempt.

Apologizing when you turn things around using gaslighting as a power tactic to make me question my reality and distrust myself.

I know the formula for this problem and I don’t know the answer but I know the sum turns out negative.

I can’t save you from your misery. I can’t make you see that your sense of inferiority is an illusion.

I’ve done that before only to end up with a dead hand of cards that don’t pay out.

And I deserve better.

Verbal abuse is never justified. TC mark

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