This Is Why I Never Loved You

I let you believe that I wasn’t aware of your feelings for me. I felt horrible about it, but I simply couldn’t love you back.

I couldn’t love you, because you were too sensitive. I couldn’t love you, because you had never experienced the pain of heartbreak and I didn’t want to be the one to destroy your innocence. Little did I know, I did become the one to destroy it.

I tried to avoid it. I wished that you would find someone better suited for you, someone less broken, someone less corrupt, someone less shattered. With the shine you once had in your eyes, the child you carried in your spirit, and the sincerity that possessed your heart, you deserved someone who would give back as much as she took. Someone who would love you with all that she had. Someone who would bring out the best in you.

Maybe I was meant to break your heart. Maybe it was fate’s way of deciding that it was time for you to mature so that something much better could along. And hopefully after all this, you’re a smarter person.

But please know that it was never in my intention to hurt you. If anything, it hurt me just as badly to see you hurting, to see you suffer from every word and action that came from the girl you believed was your first love.

Here’s a secret though: I did love you. No matter how short-lived it was, there was once a time when I wanted to be with you, and I truly believed that you would be the one to make me happy. But that didn’t last long.

Why? Because we didn’t see eye-to-eye. While I was walking through the storms that were breaking me down, you were neglecting your own path and admiring my will to survive. I was too busy trying to find my own way out to care for you while you were willing to stop everything if it meant being with me.

What you need is someone who will look at you the same way you once looked at me. Someone who will inspire you to become a better person. Someone who is so put together that she’ll take your hand and force you to find the dirt-covered path you’re meant to walk on. That girl wasn’t me. If anything, I was the girl whose storms covered that path and left you wandering alone, lost and confused.

What I need is someone who will walk alongside me, ready to face the challenges and obstacles that come our way, and will make sure I get up every time I fall. Someone who will drag and push me to keep going instead of standing there and crying with me, feeling sorry for the broken soul who’s given up halfway and landed on her knees desperately crying for a way out. Someone who won’t wonder what he can do to make me feel better, but will actually help me feel better. Unfortunately, this wasn’t you, no matter how much I wanted it to be.

You would’ve been someone who gave me all that you had. Someone who would’ve invested so much energy, time, and money into making me happy. But I wasn’t confident in my abilities to reciprocate. I would have loved you, yes, but how long would that have lasted?

So maybe heartbreak was inevitable for you. It was only a matter of time before the ticking stopped and the universe started playing its part.

I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry that I came to be this horrible person in your life, but I promise you it was never intentional. I never meant to hurt you.