I’m getting to be a veritable wizard at the craft of man-shopping. In the lame hours between 9 and 11PM when everything shuts down, it becomes a fun little activity that can sometimes—albeit rarely—pay off!
But the more time you spend on Tinder, the more you seem to notice patterns about the people that choose to use this dating app.
1. The Ex-Army Guy
Sneakily tucked in between that impeccable picture of him at his sister’s wedding and tossing back a Bud Lite at the latest sports outing is a picture of him holding an assault rifle. Thank you for your service, but dayum. Just slipped that right in there.
2. The Outdoorsman
Whether he’s holding his latest giant fish or climbing a rock wall without a shirt on (I see both of these a lot), the man clearly enjoys being outside. I dunno about piña coladas, but he’d definitely be into getting caught in the rain. Especially if it was during a five-mile hike.
3. The Clearly-Been-Out-Of-This-Game-For-A-While Guy
I can’t really tell what your face looks like because your profile picture is made up of pixels that would make Sega Genesis graphics look HD. You look like a Minecraft avatar. Find a better picture.
4. The Father
While others frantically type away, “Not my baby! :)” he boldly professes the pride and love he has for his child (I hope). Either he’s divorced or having a hard time finding people who are cool with him having a kid. Or both.
5. The Christian
First things first: Jesus Christ. And then probably ultimate Frisbee and craft brews to be well-rounded. Also is usually found sporting a leather necklace with a cross on it.
6. The Kinky Guy
Wow, you really have no qualms whatsoever about mentioning in the typical three lines that you are into bondage, the Kama Sutra, and tantric shit. Like, not a single qualm.
7. The Open Relationship
I really wonder how many actual matches you get, but that pic of you and your GF probably ain’t helping.
8. The Douchebag
Pics feature lacrosse pinnies, Solo cups, and Oakley sunglasses. Probably something about “Chiving on,” too. Ugh, fuck you.
9. The Extreme Hipster
You’ve taken the level of irony to the extreme here, buddy. Probably smoking a pipe, wearing some tortoiseshell glasses, a beanie, and some really cuh-raaaazy socks. Profile message ranges from an obscure movie quote to the literature found on the back of a box of Pop-Tarts. I’m not even sure if that picture is actually you. Help.
10. The Would-Be Poacher
OK, why do so many men on Tinder have their photo taken with a docile/drugged tiger? Who’s setting up this photo shoot? Do they offer this service at the zoo? Why is this a thing? Clearly you didn’t sedate the tiger by yourself, and if you have really killed this poor animal then I don’t really wanna date you anyway.