Now I Choose Me

I carried so much love in my heart, and I gave it all away. Then I ended up in pieces again and again. On those days I forgot to give some of that love to myself. As time goes by and as lovers passed by, I began to realize that I grew exhausted as the season changes right before my eyes.

I thought I was yearning for warmth in somebody else’s arms.

I thought I was yearning for love in somebody else’s touch.

I thought I was yearning for passion in somebody else’s lips.

Yet, how come I felt so lonely in his arms.

How come I felt agony with every kiss.

How come I felt sorrow with every promise.

Maybe I am yearning for warmth but not in someone else’s arms.

Maybe I am yearning for love but not in someone else’s touch

Perhaps I am yearning for passion but not in someone else’s lips.

Then I realized I was yearning for all these things not from somebody else but from me.

I gave so much love to all of you, and I forgot to share some of that love for myself.

I have treated the lovers that came to me with kindness and yet I still treat myself poorly.

Thinking that I wasn’t enough.

Thinking that I should do more to express my love to them and hoping that I would get some of it back.

Thinking that I should lift them so high up in the sky so that they can see what the world looks like from above.

But how come I never felt filled enough even though it seemed like they gave me everything they can.

Maybe I was enough

Perhaps I should have expressed all that love to myself.

Maybe I should have lifted myself so high up in the sky so that I can see the world from above.

Maybe that’s why I felt so empty even though he was there giving me everything he can so that I can be full again.

Now I am choosing myself. I am finally facing the demons that have been haunting me all those years. I am exhausted from running away from who truly needs me the most. It is I who craves for more attention not from any man but from myself. It is I who needs warmth and love not from anyone but from myself.

Now I am choosing to be alone. I am accepting loneliness to escape the chaos that everyone has brought me. I am choosing isolation for it has given me more peace than I had when I put myself in the crowd.

I feel like I’ve lost myself when I went out in the world and searched for the great love that they were telling me about.

I feel like I’ve lost myself when I put myself in the crowd looking for the compassion they were telling me about.

It’s all clear now, I didn’t need to search for the great love or for the compassion because all these time it was me who was giving it to the world, and now I am giving it back to myself.

Because all these times I was out there in the wild in search of that great love when that great love lives within me.

Therefore, I’ll take care of myself now. I’ll travel strange lands, learn about their culture. I’ll get drunk on their island and make memorable moments that weren’t taken by photographs. I’ll swim in the ocean even if it frightens me. I’ll let the sun kiss my skin, and I’ll let the sand slides between my toes. Because finally in loneliness I found the peace I’ve been longing. Therefore, ill take care of myself now. I’ll pour the love that I have wasted in all of you to the person that needs it the most; for it is me. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Painter | Photographer | Writer

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