The Absence Of You

A woman in a hat stands in a wintry forest as snow falls around her
Cameron Kirby / Unsplash

It’s been a while since I saw you. Since I heard your voice, have seen your face, touched your hands or even held you in my arms. Yes, it’s been a while, and a lot of things happened since. I don’t seem to recollect all the memories of that night you told me that this was the end of the line for us and that I should move on and try to forget about you.

Time has passed, and a lot of things happened since. The first couple of months were the hardest; I frequently found myself spacing out in crowded places suddenly feeling so heavy while the noises that people around me were making were slowly fading away, as I would try to absorb the fact that it is indeed over this time. My heart grew heavier each time I remembered you and how you made me feel like a day of happiness could last till eternity, but then again eternity seems so idealistic.

As the time grew, the absence of you is starting to feel normal. I find I stopped looking at my phone hoping that your name pops out. I don’t hold on to that last shirt of you that I have anymore, trying to sniff every scent of you as if it was a drug that I wouldn’t be able to go by a day without, I don’t look around in every place I go anymore hoping that familiar face of yours shows out of nowhere.

The absence of you is starting to grow so the right side of my bed where you always sleep in doesn’t seem so empty anymore. However, some days are tougher than others. I sometimes find myself wanting to take just a few steps backward because I wanted to check up on you, I want to know if you are thinking of me or if you have found someone else. But I never let myself because I know that I will be better off not knowing.

A huge part of me is missing as if you took it with you when you left. However, it doesn’t feel so heavy now because I replaced those part of me with something else. The absence of you has taught me a couple of things. Throughout that time, I learned to be strong, I learned that I am the only one who can fix every broken piece you left, I learned that you could never answer all the unanswered questions and all the what if’s that have been rambling in the back of my head all this time.

I learned that if you were the one for me, you wouldn’t pack your bags and leave. The future seems so incomplete without you because we built our future together. Or maybe it was only the future I pictured and perhaps it was never yours. Maybe you leaving is for the best. Hopefully, the absence of you will open new doors where the new future that I truly deserve lies. In the absence of you, I now know that I can be stronger than what I used to be. I now know that I can go on in this world just fine even if it means I have to go on without you.

You leaving my side convinced me that I have to push myself to limits I have never been. It assured me that I could be strong and chase my dream and future even though you’re not a part of the picture. I learned that I’d been so in love with you that I forgot to give some of that love to myself. The absence of you is a curse and a gift because a part of me still wishes that you were still here. On the other hand, a big part me thank you for leaving me behind. TC mark

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