Thought Catalog

Why The Hell Haven’t MY Nude Selfies Leaked?

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Zaretska Olga / (Shutterstock.com)
Zaretska Olga / (Shutterstock.com)

Hola, Gusbusters (this is what I like, call all my fans, you know like Lady Gaga calls her fans monsters—but I’m obviously more creative). You must have totally missed me, I’ve been gone for soooooooooo long, like I can’t even phantom how long I haven’t written for my beloved Catalog of Thought (Thought Catalog). So now all y’all cherub-faced fans must be licking your lips, twiddling your thumbs, and wondering where I’ve been and what have I been doing. Well, I’m going to tell you everything, but not now—no—you’re going to have to wait a while. Because…*drumroll*….I’m gonna write a New York Times Bestseller (that’s Anne Gusian for “book”) about all my, like, experiences this summer, and you WILL buy it!!!

Okay so, without further adoodle, let’s chomp down on today’s juicy topic brought to you by yours truly, Anne Lisa Starbell Gus.

So, what I wanna talk to you about today is something everybody and their uncle’s been talking about lately—namely, the BCNL, the Big Celebrity Nude Leak.
 A couple of days ago, pacifically, on the 31th of August, the sticky Interwebs were set ablaze with teenage-boy bliss as the neckbeards of 4chan managed to, after having dipped their Cheeto-laden fingers in their crusty belly buttons (for good luck), hack into the iCloud accounts of several A-list celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton and leak their nude pics into the pipes of the intersewer.

This big leak of sensitive material, dubbed “The Fappening” after a Mr. Tobias Fappe who is allegedly the original hacker, has since raised questions about the lack of personal integrity and privacy that cloud-based storage provides. Some great debates on our “Big Brother is watching you” society have arisen as a result.

But the biggest question on everyone’s lips has of course been…you guessed it… “Where are Anne Gus’s nudes?” With all these A-listers having their flesh flashed all over the place, it’s only natural to note the absence of one of the hottest stars of them all.

So where are the skinny-dipping selfies of Anne Gus, Queen of Thought Catalog, writer, poet, and good-thought-thinker? You’re not the only ones who’ve asked yourself that very same question; probably a lot of millions asked the same question on Google in the minutes it’s taken for you to read this article alone.

Well, when I first learned about the “leakage of major celebrities’ nudes,” I was horrified. I am well aware of all the risqué selfies I have taken of myself (that are still up in the cloud, there for the taking) and I imagined my pertly spread ass cheeks flapping like roast beef on the front page of every major news outlet in the country, my mango-tinged mammary mounds becoming the goal line of a billion teenage boys’ wank-a-thons across the globe.

I just knew that everyone in all of Boston would be talking about me and my rosy lady parts and that I would be the topic of controversial conversations across all the forums and message boards all over the Web, that my ass would be compared to Jennifer Lawrence’s hungry, gamy ass. I wouldn’t want that at all. Imagine that—millions of people talking about me. I couldn’t bear it. So you can imagine my relief when I realized that the hackers had leaked the nudes of fellow superstars such as Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton but had somehow not managed to hack into mine. It came as such a great consolation that I broke down in tears, I was so glad they hadn’t gotten their pasty paws on my juicy nudes. I was like “PHEW!”

That saved me a lot of embarrassing publicity and attention that would have had me running to and fro between interviews and appearing in cute tops at press conferences and suchlike. Gosh darn, I’m so glad you hackers were too dumb to hack into my iCloud web album! I wasn’t at all crossing my fingers, dearly hoping that my nudes would be among the ones leaked when the news broke; don’t be absurd. I am not at all really mad at all these hackers for not leaking my nudes and robbing me of rightful attention in the process—what gave you that idea? Do I desperately wish someone leaks them now, so that I can be the talk of the town? No!? What a silly question.

I just thought I’d just let all of you, my fans, know that I am unscathed. The storm has abated and I emerge whole-skinned from the scandalous ordeal—all my nudes are still safe and sound behind lock and key in the cloud. My juicy ass and ridgy taint are still unexplored by Web-surfers. I guess I’m just too big of a star, my Web security is like, way too strong and impenetrable for you ratchet-ass basic-ass “hackers”—if you can even call yourself hackers…because well, some fucking “hackers” you are if you can’t even figure out a four-letter password that begins with an “f” and rhymes with “duck”…maybe I shouldn’t have said that…but…knowing how dumb you hackers are you probably still don’t get it; in fact you probably wouldn’t even get it if I wrote it here with one letter blocked out—f*ckthat’s how stupid you are.

Oh, well, now I shan’t take up more of your time, I guess I’m going to return to doing something fierce & innocently feminist as fuck and hope nobody hacks into my iCloud Web album and leaks all my nude selfies on message boards and forums across the universe. Oh, God I hope that doesn’t happen, I wouldn’t like that at all—all that attention for little old me, Oh, Lord I hope nobody figures out my fucking password. (Hint: It’s not “fuck”—I swear.) That would be the end of me—God only knows what I’d do—it’d be so humiliating to join the long list of stars exposed in such an undignified way. Woe is me if that were to happen…

Adios, Gusbusters! TC mark

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