Thought Catalog

When He Says “No”: Denying A Woman Sex Is Rape

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Andre Nosov / (Shutterstock.com)
Andre Nosov / (Shutterstock.com)

In recent times, Feminism has done great things to broaden the definition of rape. In the beforetime, the 19 hundreds and suchlike, the common perception of what was rape was limited to that of a violent and mentally unstable man forcing himself upon a woman against her will. But now, thanks to the great work of Feminists everywhere, we all know that image is a lot more diverse and nuanced—something that in turn makes it much easier for us to put away creeps for a long time without that pesky “evidence” they’re always asking for. We still have, like, a really long way to go, however—many people still don’t think it’s rape if the woman regrets it the morning after (I’m not even kidding—these people EXIST); also, “Emotional Rape”, “Visual Rape,” and “Thought Rape” are only just emerging as legitimate crimes, but it’ll be a while before they are regarded as seriously as “Rape Rape.”

There is one aspect of rape that’s like not addressed enough though, maybe because it’s quite rare. I call it “Reverse Rape” and no, that doesn’t mean a woman raping a man because that can’t happen—men can’t be raped because men are the oppressors—no, reverse rape refers to the rare times when a man refuses to have sex with a woman.

I was raped last week. I was drinking a Frappie and feeling empowered at a local café here in Boston when I noticed this cute new barista handling some beans. He had like, soooo many tattoos and looked like a really bad boy criminal #sohawt lol. I caught him looking at me and we totally had a moment. It totally started tingling down in the ole’ Musky Mines—I needed a pickaxin’. So I made my way over to the counter and like really coyly asked if I could talk to him in the backroom about a new kind of bean—lol. He looked totally confused but was all like “sure” and he let me come through to the back. As soon as he’d closed the door, I bent over, hiked up my skirt and readied myself for impact, but then, to my, like, total surprise I didn’t feel anything enter. Instead, the dude started shouting “What the hell do you think you’re doing? This is extremely inappropriate, get the hell out of here before I call the cops!” Thinking he was joking, I grabbed his crotch, but he jolted and pushed me away, screaming, “Get out, NOW!” Humiliated and shocked that a person could do such a thing I walked back out, grabbed my stuff, and went home.

He made me feel so dirty—how dare he deny me sex? I was a horny woman who really wanted to have sex and this douche just refuses to fuck me? Wow. Just. Wow. Who does he think he is? How do you think that makes me feel? That’s right, violated. He’s not a real man.

You can’t possibly understand how hard it was. Here I was, wanting to have sex, and the guy I wanted to have sex with was denying me what I wanted. It was so bizarre, I’d never experienced anything like it. I couldn’t believe it, I had shown such courage by taking sexual initiative only to be turned down? DISEMPOWERING!! Denying me sex was his way of trying to regain patriarchal power over me, he was no doubt intimidated by a strong woman like myself, saying no was a desperate attempt to try to show that he was the boss. That’s as much a Patriarchal power move as rape—in fact, it is rape. Denying a woman sexual fulfillment is rape. He didn’t force me to have sex with him, but he forced me not to have sex with him when I really wanted to—this is obviously just as bad.

NO MEANS NO UNLESS YOU’RE A MAN; THEN YOU ARE DISEMPOWERING ME WHEN I WANT SEX.

I have obviously contacted the police and I will make sure that that fucking scumbag spends a good part of the rest of his life rotting behind bars for violating me like that, even if I have to tweak the story a little to account for our fucked-up legal system. No one will believe his side of the story LOL.

I had to go to therapy and everything cuz I’m really traumatized. I’m going to have to live with this for the rest of my life.

Fellow feminists, it’s time to start talking about this side of the rape coin too before more fall victims to “rejection rape.” This is Anne Gus, journalism incarcerate, over and out. TC mark

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