Kim Kardashian Does Not Exist

Helga Esteb / (
Helga Esteb / (

She’s everywhere—on every show, on every website, in every magazine. I seem to like, see her face and her ASSets more, even, than I see White Man-Asian Women couples, and it’s disturbing me almost as much. Ten years ago nobody had heard of her; now she’s like more famous than me, and she’s got a TV show, and a kid with a REAL celebrity name. Her recent wedding to a Black Cult Leader known to his followers as “Yeezus” was broadcast on just about every screen in the known and unknown universe. There is literally no escaping her, and it’s all making me, like, really emotional because it’s disempowering me and not making me feel that special (even though I am).

Unless you’re retarded or something, you know that I am talking about Kim Kardashian. (I’ve been dropping hints like an autistic rapper with Parkinson’s drops mixtapes, and plus it’s in the title, you idiots.)

None of you can have missed the fact that this Grade-A Bitch is everywhere, but what you may not know is that she’s actually nowhere—because she doesn’t really exist. That’s right…Kim Kardashian does. not. exist. OK, so I know your minds are blown right now and I will explain, but in order for me to fully do so we must go back in time…


It’s January 2007 and director James Cameron receives a phone call in the middle of the night. Cameron reluctantly wakes up; he’s tired cuz he has been busy for many years making his little movie, a movie with the working title: Smurfs in Space. It will still be, like, three years before what we today know as Avatar: The Last Bender hits theaters. He picks up the phone and a deep, Patriarchal voice greets him. “Good evening, Mr. Cameron; my name is Mr. Eastwood and I am the chairman of the Patriarchy, I am sorry to disturb you, but there is a very urgent matter that needs to be discussed.”

Cameron, honored to speak directly with the higher-ups of the Patriarchy, forgives the inappropriate call.

“You see, Mr. Cameron, the reason I’m calling you is that we’ve been seeing some really alarming numbers lately. According to our latest readings, female happiness levels are higher than they’ve been for almost 20 years and it seems like they just keep rising without a hint of abating. As you can imagine, we are desperate to reverse this horrific trend and luckily we are fairly certain as to what’s causing it.”

Cameron listens on with curiosity.

“We believe the biggest factor is the fact that women don’t have anyone to compare themselves to in the media anymore—they have nobody to feel inadequate comparing themselves to, no one to feel jealous of—that’s why their happiness is rising. Jen Aniston worked for us a long time, but she’s getting too old and wrinkly to awaken the green monster in females. Not even that “Brangelina” stunt we played seemed to affect women’s self-esteem like we predicted it would. It might just be that Jolie is so beautiful that women don’t even consider comparing themselves to her for fear of dying of distress.

“What we need is someone new, someone extremely well-endowed and attractive but who’s still within the realm of comparability, someone who rockets to fame as a result of her sexuality.

“But alas, James, we can’t find anyone like that, we’ve looked everywhere…that’s why we’re turning to you, Mr. Cameron, we’ve heard you’re working on some pretty impressive computer animations…”

Cameron grins to himself as he begins to realize what it’s all about…

(I got this info from secret tapes that I, like, accidentally set on fire when I was barbecuing)

Fast-forward one month to February that same year, and a sex tape had started spreading like wildfire across the Internet. It featured a beautiful unknown young woman with big boobs and a totally huge ass getting down and dirty with a black mamba. The woman’s name was said to be “Kim Kardashian,” and she quickly gained fame as a result of the video of her cheeks being clapped by the BBC broadcaster—*cough*—began playing on every screen in the world. Only a few months after this, her and her supposed family (a gang of people that look the same as her save for small modifications that seemed to pop out of nowhere) had their own reality show—the rest is history. Can you guess who directed that sex tape and Keeping up with the Kardashians and every fucking Kardashian media appearance ever since? That’s right. James. Fucking. Cameron.

If you’re German you probably saying “That’s unzinkable” right now. Well, so was the boat in James Cameron’s movie Titanic II and look where it ended up. Things aren’t always as they seem, you sheeple.

The truth is that James Cameron was commissioned by the Patriarchy to create Kim Kardashian using the same computer technology as he was using in the making of his movies, so that women would be kept down, feel bad about themselves, and be unhappy. Kim Kardashian, along with her family, is as computer-generated as the Smurfs in the Avatar movie. Keeping Up With the Kardashians is basically Avatar 2 but without the blueness, the jungles, and a plot. The project was called “Project Mirror Mirror” in the Patriarchy X-files.

It’s so obvious, I can’t believe I let the Patriarchy’s evil plot get to me—someone that perfect just. doesn’t. exist. Many Hollywood insiders have tried to leak the secret, among them Jaden Smith, who famously tweeted “How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real?” in an attempt to tip people off on “Project Mirror Mirror.” He also showed up at “Kim’s” wedding dressed in a white bat suit—I don’t know why he did this, though.

To any of you white men who’re fixing to hound me for more evidence about this obvious fact, save it. The evidence is all there because I can feel that it’s right, so you can take your misogynistic “logic” and “fact”-based truths and shove them where the sun don’t shine.

Help me expose the lie—tweet under #KimKardashianDoesNotExist. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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