It’s summertime and as a 20-something girl in my 20s, between 20 and 30 years of age (on the good side of 25, though LOL), I have a really big need to travel. Like you don’t understand, I totally need to travel. Like sometimes when I order at Mickey D’s, #icaneatanythingandnotgetfat, I totally accimadentally say, “I’ll have seven travels please” instead of seven cheeseburgers—so, yeah, traveling is more important to me than vital nutrients—without which I would die—thusly traveling is literally more important to me than my life.
I have many travels under my belt, and during my travels, many things have gone down under my belt, too #LOL. I’ve been to like Paris, and the Africa and the Europe and the birthplace of Jesus of the Christ—Mexico.
Last spring I was in Cancun with the girls. It was totally crazy, I had a headache for a month after I got home and I couldn’t sit down for what felt like a decade. LOL—so typical little crazy ol’ us…that’s the life of crazy 20-something crazy girls. So…whatevs, here’s a list on why every 20-something girl in her 20s should travel:
1. It’s free.
I keep hearing people saying that traveling is expensive, but I totally don’t get where these people are going? For me and my friends it’s totally free. First off, just get your boyfriend to pay for the flight and hotel, just make sure he’s a total sap or it won’t work. If he won’t pay, just get a new boyfriend who will. Be sure to promise him he’ll get a little something in return upon your return—*wink wink*—but don’t actually have sex with him when you get back, cuz then you can delay, delay, delay, and reuse it, umm I mean him. (He’s probably a disgusting Nice Guy, anyway.)
If the date of departure is approaching and you don’t have a boyfriend, go to somewhere near a hospital and pick out doctor-looking boys—promise them the backdoor when you get home and they’ll be really generous.
Once there you’ll notice that everyone is super-nice to you. Like just walking down the street at night people will come up to you, give you free drinks, and like give you free entry to their clubs. Once in the clubs, tons of foreign guys will like buy you drinks and stuff. Some guys will try to touch your arms and shoulders #maleprivilege, but just tell the bouncers they’ve done something really bad, just make something up, and have them thrown out.
I don’t get how people can say traveling is expensive, just like flutter your eyelids and guys will pay for your food, taxis, and everything. My 15-year-old cousin Brody “Chody” had to work for months to be able to afford to go to Atlanta for some science thing. What. A. Loser. If you have to fork out more than $2 while traveling, you must be one uuuugleeeee bitch.
2. You’ll totally find yourself.
Like whenever I travel, I totally find myself—I find myself doing crazy stuff all the time, like running naked on the beach with a coconut glued to my right buttcheek or snorting croissant flakes on top of a moving bus while getting reamed by a one-eyed Gypsy, but I also find myself in like a spiritual way.
I don’t really know what that means, but it’s something I heard Julia Roberts was doing in Eat, Pray, Love and it’s something every girl says they do, and since I’m better than other girls, I must be doing a whole lot of it.
I have changed so much and I’m so much more cultured from traveling. If you haven’t traveled, you obviously haven’t found yourself, so you’re lost and unimportant.
3. You’ll get tons of likes on Instagram.
Traveling makes it super-easy to get great, exotic, and deep Insta pics. Grab an ugly-looking native kid off the streets, take a selfie with it, and write a cute caption like, “Taking care of starving kids, this one’s soooo cute, his name is Rio #hesaidhelovesme #freespirit #livelaughlove.” A tsunami made out of likes will crash into the shores of your Insta, and you’ll get so many cute and nice comments. It’s so empowering. You’ll feel like an angel. You deserve it
4. You can take foreign dick & cheat on your boyfriend without anyone finding out.
When girls travel in groups, like all our inhibitions melt away. We get this “What happens to a broad abroad stays abroad” mentality. It’s so fun to see, like even the biggest prudes turn into sex-craving slutmonstahs. It’s a riot seeing non-single girls talking on the phone to their boyfriends who “trust” them when their faces are still splattered with Jean-Claude’s or Ferdinando’s baby-batter. There’s no judgment, you’re free to just get down and dirty with all the hot backpack studs you can get hands on. You laugh thinking about how your pathetic sucker boyfriend is longing for you, sending you sweet messages on Facebook while you’re getting tag-teamed on the beach.
It’s not really cheating if it’s abroad; it’s just harmless fun.
My friends and I had this really fun game; we’d take a gang of hot studs back to our hotel room, have an orgy with them, then we’d call our boyfriends in the middle of it, talk about everyday stuff, and pretend nothing was happening. The girl who managed to keep the moans back the most won. It was so funny.
When you get back, you can pretend you’ve been a sweet little innocent angel—no one will ever know otherwise, cuz you’ve made a pact of secrecy with your friends.
5. You can make everyone jealous when you get home.
It’s no secret that people loooove hearing travel stories. Make sure you become a straight-up bard when you come home. Tell everyone every single detail about your trip, what you ate, what you saw, and whose flaky back skin you accidentally ate thinking it was a Chinese shrimp chip. Be sure to have your phone available at all times so that you can whip it out and show a slideshow of pics set to the tune of rhythmic native music and a voiceover you made.
These are great opportunities to make people feel jealous, like, a second after you’ve finished showing everything, ask them: “What about you, what have you done this summer?” This will totes make them jealous as fuck and put a whole lot of pressure on them to have done something cool. They’ll be like, “I went to Chuck E. Cheese’s once.” This is when you laugh and ask, “No, what did you really do?” Then they’re forced to say, “No really, that’s what I did” just like in those awkward movie scenes and then you have to like pretend to think that’s cool (but indicate that you really don’t with your face). They’ll feel really bad #lol.
Sometimes you get these ratchet bitches answering you with “My boyfriend and I went to Aruba for two weeks.” This is when you go, “That’s funny, cuz I went to Aruba for three weeks with my boyfriend,” and when they go, “But…you just said you spent all summer in Europe and that you’re single?”, then you say “NO, yeah…but I went to Aruba, too…and I’m not single…I didn’t say that…I said he single-handedly proposed to me…he is my fiancé now.” Don’t. Back. Down.
So there you have it, bitches. Tell me—where are YOU going this summer?