An Open Letter To President Obama: On Cinco De Mayo 2015, It’s Time To Open The Border For The Beaners

Dearest President Barack Obama:

It’s time the honorable bean people were let into this nation. Their poverty and lack of fun (except for maybe in Cancun, LOL call me Carlito) is a total eyesore to us Americans. Let me tell you how I came to this inspiring conclusion.

This weekend I was scrolling down my Twitter feed when I see a tweet by some guy called Jacob, like in Twilight, except he’s fugly, fat, and suffers from a condition that makes him completely hairless. (OK now you think, Anne gosh you’re such a loser for following such a loser, but shut up cuz like, I don’t really wanna, I only do it cuz my aunt forced me to cuz she knows his parents and he’s got terminal cancer and has only got a month to live or whatever.) Anyway, the tweet said, “I hope Taco Bells toll at my funeral, because their burritos are the bomb.”

Ummm, like, what a try-hard loser poet #donotgogentlyintothatgoodnight #youllgetlostyoufatcunt. So anywho, like as always in my head, one word can like spark an entire advanced thinking process or whatever. My trail of thoughts went something like this: Taco Bell > Tacos > Mexicans > Gardeners > Downton Abbey > Crumpets and Tea > Stains > Bad Teeth > Britain > Empire > Imperialist Scum > America > Full of Mexicans > Cinco de Mayo.

But then it hit me. I came to the realization that maybe Cinco de Mayo is not just about getting hammered on Corona and fucking white guys who look kinda Hispanic (but not too Hispanic); no, it’s also about love and empathy, too. It was like one of those movie moments when the beautiful female lead realizes the importance of being kind to babies or something like that.

I started Googling Mexico to learn more about California’s backyard. What I found out almost made me tortuga my panties. I mean, I knew the people of Mexico had it rough, but not this rough. There’s literally so much poverty going on there. Everyone’s like poor, and there’s like crimes and stuff happening, like, I’m not kidding, every day. There’s lots of gang & drug-related incidents, but like in Mexico that doesn’t mean letting four black guys run a train on you while they’re high on crack like it does in the US, at least among my friends (lol shhhhh); no, this is serious crimes, with machine guns.

Um HE-LLLOOO, Obama, are you there homes, like why the hell is the border closed, Mexico seems totally unchic, I understand they wanna GTFO ASAP. Like if I were a strong independent woman of the Mexico, I’d like totally just say, “Either I stay here or I go to the land of the free,” and if that girl who always goes, “Why don’t we have both?” showed up, I’d slap her and climb the fence in a heartbeat.

I don’t understand the government’s problem with letting Mexicans in. We’re all human beings. It doesn’t matter if you’re Black, Yellow, Red or Normal, we all deserve the same basic human rights. All these barriers are costing US taxpayers shitloads, probably a gazillion dollars.

Also, what’s with all this racist hunting of illegal aliens? Guess what? People can’t be illegal; it’s a basic human fucking right that all humans are legal. If there’s any illegal alien we should be tryna catch it’s that rapist E.T.; he looks like a total dweeb with his misogynistic phallic finger.

The US wouldn’t even be a country without immigration. Immigration made this fucking country like really strong, like stronger than China even though there’re super many more people there. I think it’s ours (normal people’s) responsibility to take the Mexicans into our embrace and let them run free. In fact, I think it’s like the duty of white men, the people who made Native Americans flee south to where they became Mexicans, have a duty to relocate from their houses and let Mexican refugees move in.

Our immigration policy needs a big modernization. Borders were drawn by white men hundreds of years ago; they mean nothing, we’re all human beings, Homo sapiens (which is a totally homophobic name, but still).

Mexicans would be like so cool to have around more. They love doing, like, manual labor, I heard in it’s in their blood and traditions, so we wouldn’t have to worry about mowing lawns ever again. Imagine that. I don’t do that shit anyway, but like still.

Obama, ese, you yourself came from a browner place, can you not find it in your heart to let beaners be the beans in our melting pot?

To discuss this, tweet under #NotyourgoodBeaner.