7 Reasons Why The Theory Of Evolution Is Like Literally And Totally Wrong

Linda Bucklin / Shutterstock.com)
Linda Bucklin / Shutterstock.com)

A couple of days ago I was being a good little (naughty) schoolgirl, finishing an essay on the blatant underrepresentation of women of color in the TV show Ice Road Truckers. I was sitting in my living room, my idiot cousin Brody “Chody” was watching TV. History Channel or some chauvinist shit like that was on. I was kind of babysitting him, cuz my aunt was like hosting a pie-eating contest, and my uncle was working late.

“Is it Shark week or Hitler week?” I asked him intelligently and motioned to the TV. He looked away slowly, like he was waking up from a trance and then answered me sarcastically in his fucked-up cracking voice.

“Ha-Ha, Anne, no it’s a show about Darwin—evolution, you know?”

Evolution, that’s all LITERALLY bullshit, LITERALLY everyone knows that, but when I told him that, he became like REALLY defensive and started yelling these “scientific facts” at me. I was like WHOA, chill dude, but of course, he’s a male and he had an obsession with being “right,” so we ended up having this long argument about it. It all ended when I called Tyrone, who came over, knocked him out, and put him to sleep on the couch (he made sure not to leave a bruise, cuz my aunt would be really upset even though her son is a lowly male, LOL).

Don’t get me wrong, I’m like NOT Christian. Christians are all stupid, right-wing, gun-waving, racist sexists—I’m actually agnostic (that means I believe in like a totally good force, I know it’s original, but don’t be intimidated)—that doesn’t mean I believe in Charles “Chuck” Darwin’s buh-latant. fucking. lies. As a feminist, I am very critical of “scientific facts” because what is defined as fact is done so by the patriarchy. Yes, science is often used to silence feminists, but I refuse to be silenced, so I made a list about why Chuck Darwin’s theory of evolution is total BS:

1. If we evolved from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?

So…like I don’t know about you, but, like being the intellectual scholar that I am, I am often drawn to deep shows like Keeping up with the Kardashians, The Bachelor, and Animals Planets—the last of which has a lot of animals on it—DUH. On that show, there’s like always cute little monkeys eating bananas or whatever, and I’m pretty sure they’re not CIG generated, so yeah Darwin how do you explain that—huh? Well, you can’t—cuz according to you, monkeys were like Transformers who transformed into humans, but they weren’t cars, they were monkeys. How can there still be monkeys then when they all supposedly became human? Huh? Riddle me that, Chuck.

2. If we evolved from Blacks, why are there still Blacks?

So, like, Chuck is saying that that all humans come from The Africa. In The Africa, only black people live—the real black people, not the ones with doo-rags, bling bling, and saggy pants, but the ones with spears, rings around their necks and a low-carb diet to die for. Thusly, Darwin was saying that normal humans evolved from Black people. This is obviously bullshit, just like go on Google Earth and zoom in on the Savannah and you’ll see a whole lot of little black people milling about their business, looking like they’ve been Jenny Craiging a bit too long. So yeah—how do you respond to that, Chuck, you’re saying that we evolved from Black people, but how come there’s still Black people?

3. I sure as hell don’t come from the sea.

Darwin is saying that all life came from the sea like a hundred gazillion years ago. He and his following are saying that fish, like, grew legs and started to crawl up on land in order to breathe some sweet oxygen. Um…this is so fucked-up. I went fishing once with my grandfather when I was a kid, and when the fish came up from the water it didn’t fucking grow legs and start breathing. Chuck must have been a shut-in loser virgin if he didn’t know that fish die if they are out of the water. Where do you think the expression “fish out of water,” meaning “violently flailing and gasping for breath” comes from? GOSH.
 And besides, how can humans come from the sea? Chuck, have you ever like, taken a fucking bath you grimy FUCK? If you had, you would realize that your hands and feet look like total raisins after a while, it looks totally freaky. I don’t see any people walking around like that without having been in water for more than an hour—but if humans came from the sea, they’d all look like that all over all the time. BOOM. CHESSMATE.

4. Because Cis, White Males like Christopher Bitchens and Richard Suck-Cawkings support the theory.

You may remember Christopher Bitchens. I think he’s dead now or whatever (good riddance), the guy who claimed women aren’t funny in Insanity Fair. HA-HA, DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH—women are really funny, just look at me and my friends, we always have a lot of crazy fun laughing about all the ugly losers trying to hit on us LOL, go die pls. Anyway, he was male, he was white, he was straight AND he was big on Darwin’s theory, that’s reason enough to distance yourself the FUCK away from the theory ENTIRELY. Also his right-hand man, Richard Suck-Cawkings, a male of similar description was always ranting and raving about evolution. Yeah—cuz I’m gonna listen to you. Get over yourself.

5. It’s saying that men and women are different.

As a feminist, I recognize the truth that men and women are exactly the same. All the perceived differences are merely social constructions. Darwin is saying that women and men need to be different so that we can make little babies or some shit like that. Ummm…sorry to break it to you, Chucky, but we’re not animals, we don’t all think about making babies and stuff. If Darwin were here today he would point to “differences” between males and women like height and voice pitch and genitalia or whatever and say they were natural differences. LOL, can you imagine that? We all know males are taller because of certain social constructions, boys are encouraged to grow more than girls from the time they’re really young. Sex organs are of course also socially constructed. Saying that men and women are different is a DANGEROUS idea, cuz if it were true, it would like would undermine the entire feminist movement and make us look stupid.

6. Dolphins can’t talk.

OK, this one is pretty obvious. If animals were totally evolutioning all the time, then we would have really smart animals who were like driving cars and going to work and talking and shit. But just like, look around, how many animals would you want to ask for help when doing your taxes? NONE. They’re all FUCKING DUMB. This is two thousand and fucking fourteen and yet, dolphins, who are supposedly really intelligent can’t even hold a simple conversation—not even about water or balls or something they’re familiar with. Or at least I haven’t met any dolphins who can—have you, Darwin?

7. The missing link is still missing (LOL).

I don’t really know what “the missing link” is, but it seems to be an argument that gets Darwinists really upset so I’m going to include it here. So SUCK IT! until you find that link or USB or whatever it is, nobody will believe in evolution. Period.

There you have it. What you’ve all been waiting for. Anne Gus’s take on evolution. Show this to any stupid friends you have who believe in evolution and prove them. the fuck. wrong! TC mark

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