Why Do We Have ANOTHER Straight Cis Man Hosting ‘The Late Show’?

The Colbert Report
The Colbert Report

When I saw the news about Stephen Colbert, the conservative maniac who somehow gets laughs by spouting Tea Party rhetoric on his show, was to take over David Letterman’s late night spot, I was, justifiably, outraged. Oh great, another fucking straight Cis man without a drop of burrito — blood in his veins on the tube. I mean really? Really? Wow…just Wow.

Now that pig not-so-Coolbert gets to disseminate his snarky, misogynistic and racist bullcrap to an even bigger audience, and as if that wasn’t bad enough, he’ll have like a bigger pool of young female interns to molest and torture. Great choice America. Great fucking choice.

I’m beginning to think this election was either rigged by the Patriarchy, or was just a big mix-up, like the one in 2000, where voters who were pro-environment accidentally voted for the guy with the greenest name “Bush” instead of the scarily named “Al Gore”. I didn’t even see any TV campaigns for the late night presidency election, it seems like it just took place behind closed doors, by a group of cis hetero dudes no doubt. And they say America is a fucking democracy? Puh-lease. Im about to go like Democrazy that’s for sure.

So anyway, I was like, thinking to myself, why didn’t the people just listen to the The Queen, Suey Park? I mean sure, the #CancelColbert did achieve the cancellation of the show, but only to get Stephen a BETTER FUCKING JOB!?

Then it hit me.

I had one of those moments, like when Hernia1 from the Harry Potter books (#potterfangirl #TeamJacob) realizes what professor Snape has been hiding all along (Socrates Stone). How could I have been so foolish. I was totally obvious. Stephen Colbert is Suey Park. Think about it, he’s already been in yellowface once when he was doing the Ching Chong Ding Dong character, and since they all kinda look the same (no-offense), he could have easily just made his voice more high-pitched and boom he had created Suey Park.

This is how it went down: Stephen created a Twitter account, splattered himself in Yellow make up and took a profile picture, before finally starting the #CancelColbert hashtag.

So why go through all this trouble to start a movement about canceling his own show? I’ll tell you why. The ratings were low and Stephen wanted a promotion. A big, fat promotion.

He chose an Asian a female character as a vessel to start the hashtag in order to maximize the rage of white male legions of Twitter and get the White Dude Vote. What’s the logic behind that you ask? Okay, so, like, I might not like have the best track record with Asians, but whatever you say the hashtag created a deeper love for Colbert as a polarized effect of the hatred for an Asian lady daring to stand up against racism.

Yes, Colbert did all this to gain votes from the white male electorate in the late night election, he’s that much of a psychopath. Wow. And he pulled off. Obviously. Now he’s like getting ready to smugly park his raw chicken looking ass on Lettermans chair and harrass women of color.

Not convinced yet shitlords? Well look at the names Sue and Stephen, they both begin with S. Oh and look at S.Park, that spells like spark, like a spark when you get a good idea, you know who had good ideas? Charles Fourier, whose first name sounds like Charleston. Can you guess who was born in Charleston 1964. That’s right, Stephen Fucking Colbert. How you like me now?

If you’re not convinced by now you”re clearly a deluded mysoginist asshole repubwican who still lives at home with mommy. Expose the white man’s lie, tweet under #StephenIsSuey. I wanna be a hashtag activist too! TC mark

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