Anne Gus here, and unlike you I’m creative.
A few nights ago I was getting a couple of classy drinks with a few gurlfrrraands. Gemma was there, cuz Mae Bae Lynn and Jane have kinda started talking to her again (um ewww!?). Anyways we started talking about our Nice Guys, how many we have, what we can get them to, like, do for us, etc. or whatever. It got kinda like competitive, cuz we all wanted to prove that we had the best Nice Guys and stuff.
Anyways, this totes got me thinking about creative ways to get the most out of your Nice Guys. So yeah, here you go bitches.
1. Get A Free Ride
Need to get to this totes banging party but you don’t have a car and can’t be bothered to walk (it’s 2014, who walks anymore anyways)? Call up one of your Nice Guys and get it to give you a ride. It’ll be really happy to drive you, but just to make it even more excited, throw in a kissy face emoticon, that way it’ll think it might get lucky. If it tries to get into the party with you, just wave it away and go in and get FUCKED UP yourself. You’re totally worth it.
Okay so naughty-licious Tyrone or the totally hawt Jason guy, who’s been in prison TWICE (OMG<3), is being a total douche and not returning your calls or whatever. You’re like so emotional right now, and you’re making sure everyone knows it, but they like don’t even seem to care. Why not use one of your Nice Guys to vent, and totally get it all out of your system? I have all of mine in a group of contacts on my phone and there’s one Guy I saved as VENT, (I can’t remember its real name lol) cuz it totally listens to my problem and is really sweet. When you’re done just, like hang up and watch Pretty Little Liars; you’ll feel SO much better.
3. A Fine Dining Experience
Are you a little short on paper but want a luxurious meal that you know you’re entitled to as a strong, independent woman in her 20s? Go through your texts and Facebook messages and look for the best offer from a Nice Guy. You’ll probably have a few hundred from the past week, but it’s totally worth it to be REALLY thorough because sometimes when I’ve like just been ready to reply to a Guy, I’ve discovered an invitation to an even more expensive restaurant in another inbox. When you’ve picked the restaurant you like best, just like reply, and they’ll come pick you up. During dinner they can be like really creepy and give you compliments and stuff, just try to ignore them altogether and focus on your DELISH oysters. Afterwards they might get really creepy and try to kiss you at your doorstep, so like be ready to get inside as fast as possible. I got around 70 Nice Guys in my current inner orbit, so I never have to go hungry. lol.
4. The Purchase of Contraceptive Precautionary Matériel AKA Rubbers
So you got this hot date with a cute and totally naughty boy who makes you totally melt, but like you don’t want to get pregnant and look totally bloated, so you need to buy condoms. You know boys NEVER have them, so you’re gonna have to get them yourself. Gooosh, that’s SO embarrassing, going into the store yourself and shit. Fret not ladies, a White Knight is nigh #Shake-a-spear #intellectualgirl. Send a Nice Guy a text telling it to buy condoms for tonight. They get really excited by this. Trust me. Then tell it to come to your place, pick you up and drive you to the location where the hot boy lives. At this time they usually seem a bit confused, it’s totes adorable. When you arrive, just go up and let the hot boy bang your brains out. Sometimes the Nice Guys stay for a bit, really confused and other times they run away like sad, haha it’s so cute.
5. Totally Cute Gifts
My girlfriends and I agree that this is one of the absolute best uses of your Nice Guys. Did you see a cute pair of shoes, a totally chic top, or a MUST-HAVE necklace? Call one of your Nice Guys. Make sure you pick the old ones, like 28-year-olds, cuz they have more dough, then have a shopping day. They’ll get you anything you point at if you touch them enough on their shoulders, (I know they’re icky, but dat Sace bag doe). I don’t feel the need to say more about this one.
So there you have it, an essential guide for all strong independent ladies out there on how to turn that mass of faceless, nameless nobodies into something good in your life. Just be wary of NGMs, “Nice Guy Meltdowns.” Almost all Nice Guys have an expiration date; how long they last depends entirely on their quality. NGMs will involve them calling you, yelling “you’re a bitch, I’ve done everything for you,” and crying. This is where you end ALL contact; that cow is milked dry, so to speak. Just get a new one. Lol. Sometimes a Nice Guy might get a little uppity, but never let it objectify you. You’re better than that.
Lastly, just have fun girls, live laugh love.
What do you use your Nice Guys for, any tips? Tweet under #NiceGuyUses