Around this time last year I remember my now ex-friend Gemma waving her iPhone in my face shouting, “Anne, you gotta try this app, it’s called Tinder, it’s the best thing since sliced bread.”
I stifled the urge to call her out for shaming non-sliced bread and took a little gander at what she held before me. I was hooked faster than the time it takes for butter to melt on a bald man’s head in the sun of a Louisiana morning. I swiped and I swiped and then I swiped some more. It was empowering, the culling process, the choice, and despite the fact that my first match turned out to have very off-putting twitter alias “@ShithouseLumberjack”, I was by no means put off from continuing my Tinderiffic journey.
Now, a year later and countless of fun flings with cool, sexy boys, I’ve put together a cute little list as to why I didn’t want you, why I swiped left , why I never became your Tinderella for the night. Here we go:
1. You’re holding a fish in your profile pic
Seriously? Who do you think you are, Hemmingway, Captain Ahab? How do I know that you’re not going to shout “Call me Ishmael” when you’re clapping my cheeks and giving me that Moby Dick? Totally unsexy. Unless you have a dorsal fin and this is a picture from your most recent family reunion. Cut. It. Out.
Also, where’s the trigger warning? Do you have no respect for vegans or trans-species individuals? (Yes they do exist, go on Tumblr and educate yourself) Do you think a vegan, queer feminist who identifies as half-womyn, half-tuna, would be able to sleep at night after having seen such an oppressive image? Hint, NO!
So why don’t you be a bit more inclusive huh? Jerk.
Also, fishing is a pastime that is heavily tied to the socially constructed view of what masculinity is. The Patriarchy has for thousands of years, kept women, mostly women of color, from engaging in this activity. When was the last time you heard of a group of strong independent women going for a fishing trip over the weekend? Let me guess. Like, never.
This is irrefutable evidence of what I like to call a fishnet-ceiling, and by holding a fish in your profile picture you are cementing the Angler hierarchy. So, If you’re trawlin’ you better be ballin’ too, otherwise you’re not getting to put your soy sauce on my sushi. Just quit it b’roe’
Note: If you’re cute enough you’re exempt.
2. You only have one picture
This one screams a different type of fish. Catfish.
I am in my bed, wearing my Lululemons and Uggs on a Saturday night, watching Gossip Girl with one eye and swiping at a record speed, past guys with bug-eyes, freckles and narrow shoulders, using my other. Then I see you. You’re perfect. You’ve got slitlike hunter-eyes, you’ve got tattoos all over your body, your head is shaved and you look like you could beat up Putin’s entire army before breakfast, in other words, you’re H-O-T.
Now Serena Van Der Woodsen’s problems are far faraway and not even Chuck’s naughtylicious behaviour can keep me from looking at you, I begin to feel a little frisky, things are definitely tingling. I can’t wait to look through your album, to message you, to meet up with you, but then, I realize to my horror, you only have one picture. One totally delish picture, but one picture nonetheless. Now my alarm bell is definitely tolling and I ask myself, how can someone so totally hawwwwt not have more pictures of himself on here? It’s absurd.
This is where your journey ends, sure I’ll save the picture for a lonely night, but I am certain that your profile is fake and that a Fedora-wearing Manboob with weak knees is hiding behind the hunk that’s making my knees weak.
3. You’re smiling in your picture
Stop grinning. Seriously. You look, like, totally clownish, like a bumbling buffoon, a pedophile and a nice guy at the same time. What are you so happy about huh? Being a sexist douchebag, is that it? The fact that women earn like 70 cent for every dollar that men make? Or, maybe you just won a grand prize in dweebdom?
Do you really think strong independent women are going to think to themselves, ” hell yeah, this happy chap is the one I want to get down and dirty with tonight”? ‘This is the guy that can rock my world and get my juices flowing,yeah totally, I will certainly feel like a pringle in this guy’s presence.” Where’s the mystery? Where’s the aggression? Where’s the confidence? You look like you’re going to come over here with a rose and ask “can I kiss you?” instead of slapping me, calling me a dirty whore and letting me be the little Crimea to your strong Russia for the night.
At the very least, give me a sexy, confident smirk, otherwise you’ll be grinning from ear to ear alone tonight.
4. You’ve got a hundred other people in your picture
Seriously? There’s like an entire Panna Cotta Warrior army in all your pics. I am just full of questions, can you help me out me here Wally? Why is your picture more populous than the fourteen biggest cities in China’s combined? Why are there more people in your picture than the number of years since fish evolved and crawled onto land? Where do you store the groundbreaking invention that turned all the grains of sand in the known universe into living, breathing humans, and somehow fit them into one picture?
Or, are you still in 2013? Hasn’t the selfie taken off yet in your little world or is something simply preventing you from taking one? Was this really what the pre-selfie era looked like. What’s a non selfie even called, a “groupie”?
Laaaame. Get with the times you jerk. How am I supposed know if you’re the cute one or the ginger one? Are you trying to hide yourself from me?
I am just going to assume that you’re the ugly bastard in the back of the picture. Bye xoxo.
5. Your bio is sexist and intolerant
Most douchebags on Tinder try to play the sexist and intolerant sentiments on their bios off as “preferences”. Yet, it would probably take nine and a half years to tell you about all the times I’ve seen things such as “I prefer slim women” or “If yo’ ass got a big ass holla at a ni**a right quick” on there. Are these guys for real? Do they even exist? Doesn’t the Patriarchy impose enough standards of beauty and enough expectations of what a woman should look like? I don’t need you, Mr Picky , to tell me what your patriarchal programming tells you you’re supposed to like. I am here to have fun and meet hot, tall guys and you’re totally killing my vibe. Ewww.
6. You’ve used an Android phone to snap your profile shot
If you read my previous article, you know my feelings about the abominable Android. Being a bit of a techie myself i can instantly tell when someone’s picture has been taken by an Android phone. On top of the unclear quality of the photos, there’s also this haze of misogyny blurring them. You have to be really perceptive to see it, but it’s there allright
The engineers behind the Android camera lens were probably named Pete, Steve and Gary, and I’m sure they all beat their wives.
Having a picture taken of yourself with an Android phone means you’re supporting the patriarchal values of the company and thus, I wish not to consort with you, let alone engage in coitus with you. Simple as that.
That’s all boys, now go on Tinder, and if you swipe and see a pretty 20-something girl from Boston, it might just be me. Play your cards right and I might be your Tinderella for the night.