As my time on match.com comes to a close, I am reflective on a few experiences. I’m sharing them here as cautionary tales so that you now have a fighting chance of getting a girl to want to make out with you this year.
1. Stop saying “how R U?” in emails. Are you 14 years old? Did you read her profile? If you can’t complete a full sentence, chances are you can’t complete…other things. Write in full sentences. Find something interesting that caught your eye. Even a “Great photo, where was it taken?” is better than the text language of the bots.
2. If you go on a “just OK” date with a girl, it’s A-Ok for both of you to shake hands and say “good night” with nothing else expected. Don’t expect her to have to awkwardly accept another date on the spot (she never wants to accept another date on the spot. EVER. Even if it was the Rolling Stones of dates, she needs to go home and process). Don’t feel like you have say “I’ll call you” either. We’re all adults here (well most of us, see #1). It’s cool if she’s not the Angelina to your Brad. Someone else will be.
3. If you’re lucky enough to get a girl to go on a date with you, be cool. I don’t mean start playing the theme to “Shaft” (which would also be cool); but just relax. Don’t feel like you need to tell her your entire life story including your arrests, DUIs and restraining orders all at once…let the salads arrive first.
3.5. Along the cool theme, unless she asked you out or specifically picked the restaurant or bar without your prompting, reach for your wallet (hell, reach for your wallet anyway) when the check comes. The majority of women (most, not all) will appreciate the gesture of you paying and let you! If she really wants to pay, she’ll tell you.
4. If you get really lucky and a lady agrees to meet at your house before going to dinner or is invited over for a glass of wine, for the love of all that is holy, clean your house, including the bathroom. Buy TP, hand soap and hand towels. Trust me, if there is no hand soap, we’re judging you. Also, go to the Party store and spring for the $1.99 wine key and $2.99 wine glasses and beer glasses. Make the gesture that you’ve had a woman in your house. Ever.
5. Again, on the “be cool” theme. The crucial NEXT TEXT/CALL. You went on one date; it went well all around. You’re ready to go out again. Don’t blow it, stud. Keep it simple. “Had a great time, would you like to go to the monster truck rally with me Wednesday?” That’s it. KEEP IT SIMPLE. You went on one date. She doesn’t need 8 texts a day detailing what you had for lunch or what your co-worker is wearing. Keep it casual, bro. If you don’t want to go out again but SHE texts you? (First of all, nice work, champ – you obviously made an impression!) A simple “Great meeting you, but no thank you” is just fine. Here’s what NOT to do. Don’t NOT respond at all, come on, she’s a person. OR say “Yes, DEFINITELY let’s go out again” and then never respond again. Seriously, she’s on match.com, she’s probably got 5 dates lined up in her week, she just wanted to know if she should keep a night open for you or not. Nobody’s playing The Cure and crying because you didn’t want to go on a second date.
Good luck fellas. Get out there and date appropriately.
Oh and smelling nice never hurts either.