I am afraid of falling in love. Not that I have been in past relationships which ended badly since I have been single since birth, but I fear that I might not be ready yet. I am uncertain if I can be happy with the changes a romantic relationship would bring into my life. See, I am not a spontaneous person and so I had to be into it 100 percent just so there would be no regrets at the end, whether it turns out to be good or not. I guess I have too many reservations from the very beginning.
I am afraid that my love will not be reciprocated. I am scared that I will love him more than he will love me – that I will be left alone holding onto something that felt so true but fleeting. I guess I do not have the amount of courage others possess to be able to accept that love is something not given with expectations of being loved in return. Or maybe I do not possess a heart as big as theirs that they could offer their unrequited love to a person without losing some for themselves, even it is less than that of what they give so freely and selflessly. I am scared to find out that my heart has only grown weaker.
I am afraid of failing. I doubt that I am capable of handling a commitment and doing what it takes to maintain the integrity of its foundation. I might hate myself if I become the reason behind ‘us’ being just ‘me’ again. The responsibilities that my love and happiness entails could be bigger than what I have expected or might get burdensome for me at some point that I would stop caring for others besides myself. Even for my own actions, I feel hesitant.
I am afraid of my judgment. I cannot allow my romantic excitement to mask a part of him that I know I cannot love and be with. How would I be certain that I am falling in love with the person himself and not merely for what he does, what he says and what he makes me feel? How do I ascertain that he is the one – the one who I can live a lifetime with despite the trials and challenges that may come? These, I am not so sure myself.
I have seen so many friends crying and getting almost depressed over their failed relationships. Although I believe that these experiences will make you a stronger and wiser person, I still prefer a love that was sure at the very start. I am not rushing. I could wait. I could wait long enough until I am ready. I had to be ready before he comes so that I do not have to let our chances slip out of my hand just because I am not prepared to grab it.
Before, I only pray that His will be done so that I will be with the right man. But now, I also pray for that day to come when my idea of love begets not fear but faith, security and relief that finally I am not on my own.