What I Learned From Losing You

Unsplash Fabian Blank
Unsplash Fabian Blank

We were never supposed to be together, let alone having me to fall in love with you. You were straight and I was a lesbian but I got lost in those dangerous eyes and mind.

I had feelings for you when we were in high school but I had to keep to myself because I knew we were never possible. We began as mere acquaintance from school and we gradually became friends that would hang out at times after school and during school breaks. But what shocked me was 5 years ago when you told me that had feelings for me, I was shocked and it felt so surreal to me that you had feelings for me or could just be that you wanted to experiment with something else. We were both single at that time and I was like ‘heck, why not give it a try’? From what initially was supposed to be just sheer fun, lead to smiles and memories because we enjoyed each other’s company. That kisses were playful. You told me that you loved me and that you can’t stand a minute apart, I thought we had a future together.

I never imagined I could fall so deep. I never imagined that your arms around me would feel like home. Maybe it was a line we accidentally crossed when we started to explore each other’s minds; confessing secrets we have always been too afraid to share. I started to slowly open up to you and learning to trust someone all over again. Bit by bit, you peeled my defenses. Those 3 words, “I Love You” whispered at night, in the mornings and when I picked you up, they carried incredible weight for me. And gradually, we were sharing everything from clothes to pillows to our salary and even dreams for the future.

And when time passes and we gradually became comfortable and fast forward 5 years later, we gradually unfold and we started to crack until it was too difficult to piece us back together. More than we will ever admits, we both had our faults; with my words and temper and you with those eyes and mind. The most unavoidable situation came; the heartbreak. It was unexpected, yet a part of me knew it was predictable. I had fallen and I was fragile.

I wasn’t supposed to be in love with you and I wasn’t supposed to get hurt. But it happened. And when you had changed into someone I no longer knew and it broke my heart. Whatever was remained of my heart that I knew would take a long time to heal back together. After those tears and heartache and as I woke to the sun one fine day and saw the weight lifted on my heart, when I forgave.

You were the straight girl with the dangerous eyes, whose arms had sheltered me. The one who had held my fragile heart in her hands. Together we had re-learned how to love and how to let someone in when you are still fragile and scared. We had fallen in love and because of this, I am forever thankful.

You broke my heart, but I am forever thankful; for the moments, the memories, the kisses, and the accidental falling that happens when you close your eyes and let things flow. For what I’ve learnt in losing you, what I should deserve, the amount of strength I have in myself to pick myself up and my ability to love. And if you feel that by blaming me for everything is necessary, I cannot stop how you would like to tell the story of us to others. I hope you know that I’ve forgiven you. TC mark

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