You Broke My Heart, But I’m Still Going To Be Nice To You

Unsplash / Tanja Heffner

You’re not coming back.

It’s a mantra I have in my head to remind myself that you made this decision and, despite my devastation, I know you had to make this decision for yourself.

I just didn’t expect this heartbreak to hurt as much as my first heartbreak.

Someone told me, “This is going to happen again and again but you’re going to be tougher each and every time.”

I don’t feel that way. This hurts more than when I lost my first love.

I’m tainted by the memories of you and with every breath that I take in, I feel like I’m decaying from the inside. Dramatic, I know, but let me go on.

We had so many plans – so many and they’re just gone now. Desolate, like our relationship.

Sleep doesn’t help. It’s a comfort to escape the pain for hours at a time, but the sadness crashes over me when I wake up and then again just before I slip into a blissful sleep.

I go through moments where I can breathe. I like those moments. I hold on to them for as long as I possibly can. And in those moments I remember that this is what happened. This is reality now. 

There’s no waiting around for you, no matter how badly I want to. No matter how strongly I believe you’re “the one” for me. Maybe you are, but you’re not right now and I deserve more than to wait for you to come around.

Maybe I’ll be your “one that got away,” and you know what? That’s entirely your fault.

I wake up and I’m still sad.

I have this dull ache of missing you and I don’t know what’s worst at this point. The sharp jabs of pain that eventually go away or holding this heavy, sinking weight for a while?

I’m too nice and I care too deeply. It’s a gift and a curse and I’m very aware that I am who I am.

Therefore, I will proceed to smile and wave at you – people say you don’t deserve it and I find comfort in their support but I know that you need a smiling face.

I know you need someone on your side, even when you’re not on mine.

People say I should be putting myself first and maybe I am, maybe I’m hoping that by being nice to you and offering you a helping hand, you’ll want me back.

I should let you suffer and realize that life without me will be dreary and hard. You need to realize all sorts of things on your own – but I don’t want you to feel like you’re alone.

Not totally and completely alone because it’s isolating and I know what that feels like.

I may be heartbroken and sad and I may want you back, but I’m passed that. I hope.

Now, I just stand with a different problem of where do I go from here? TC mark 

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