I’m in love with myself.
For all the times I make bad decisions, for all the times I can’t fathom why I acted the way I did, for all the moments I spent alone, for all the misadventures, I fell in love with myself.
Once, I thought I loved myself enough that I opened my heart and my soul to almost everyone I met. I was certain there was nothing wrong with allowing people to enter my life as I’ve always known myself to be accepting of the world, no matter what it seemed. That’s how much I believed in me. There’s a reason why things are the way they are, and if you don’t accept it, it would just be another lingering bag of judgment, deceit, darkness.
I unlocked the doors to my heart to people who did nothing but take what was inside. It felt fine at first, thinking at least they came by and visited. What would I have been had I not shown warmth and served what I could? I did not want to be an unwelcoming host. I taught myself to be cordial and that, I did. Soon, I realized how empty it felt having so much taken from you without getting anything in return. Even my best efforts to refill the emptiness, at best would amount to deficit.
I realized that loving myself wasn’t enough. I realized that being IN love with myself would be better.
When I loved myself, I believed that the best way was to be unwrapped, understanding, and accepting because that would teach me so many things, and I would learn how to be a better version of myself.
There’s a difference, between loving yourself and being in love with yourself. When I loved me, all I wanted was to be able to be the best I could, to be free of judgment, to be free of selfishness, obscurity, to learn what I could by putting my best foot forward. I wholeheartedly thought I was right. I loved myself enough to be unlocked for all the world to see what I was capable of, because I had worked hard for it.
But there was a mistake there.
It is just like being in a relationship where you love someone and allow almost anything, even senseless arguments that could either vanish or stick around, versus being in a relationship where you are in love with someone and you would do anything to protect that person. I’ve learned that to welcome unconditional love in your life, you need to unconditionally love yourself first.
Don’t just love yourself, be in love with yourself and the rest will follow.