Feeling alone is one of those things that doesn’t just happen overnight. It’s an effect of long term causality. I’ve always known what it was to be physically alone, but never fully understood what it was to be lonely until I felt it. I realized what it was when it had been going on for a while, and every bit of my emotions were drastically dropping. Soon, it was difficult for me to get up because the weight was too heavy. It felt horrible to be below the ground, but it was a lesser horror than forcing my way out. In comparison, below the ground would be like hell, and forcing my way out was like taking the devil’s hand and allowing him to come with me to escape. It felt like if I even thought of getting out of the ground, the devil would stay with me forever. The idea of burning in hell would have been better than a lifetime of torture.
It may sound so horrible in writing, but the truth is, nothing can be worse than feeling it. The things about being lonely are:
1. You run out of hope that anyone will ever come and find you.
It’s not the physicality of people seeing you in the flesh, or the thought of people simply greeting you. It’s the hope that someone will acknowledge you at all; that someone or anyone would see what you’re feeling without you saying anything.
2. You fear almost everything. Even thinking is a fear on its own.
Telling anyone that you are lonely is the lowest blow. It’s as if your pride is the only thing left in your life that you get to hang on to. Telling someone that you are lonely defeats you even more. The fear of misunderstanding if you ever gain the courage to say it might just be the last stab that would put you down for eternity.
3. You have no idea what to do next and no choice but to try your best to adapt to being alone.
The difficulty of being lonely is just that. You would have nothing or no one to pull your strength from. You would have no option but to create strength by yourself; and creating it would be like pulling a mountain an inch to the side.
The reason I’m writing this is because I was lonely once. I even believe that I might have been depressed. I mentioned that loneliness is an effect of long term causality. It would have been great if I had known earlier that the variables surrounding me would slowly lead me to a bad place, on my own, without anyone to help me. The thing of it is, I didn’t realize it until it was too late.
Every 2 to 4 years since high school, a beloved family member would die. I would see them suffer fighting a horrible disease or so before they’re gone, and then grieve for a time until I almost get over it. I would try to start a relationship and become happy at first, and end up separating just after another relative passes on. It had been this cycle for the last 10 years. Four of my family members have passed on, and people whom I each thought could be the love of my life have come and gone. I tried to literally work my way to think of nothing but sleep and my job, to get through life itself. I had quit my job after exhausting myself physically and emotionally. By that time all of my friends have gotten used to not seeing me, have gotten married or had kids, my family was all but busy, my sibling had gotten a house of his own, and I was left with nothing and no one.
It was the most difficult time of my life, but it was also what gave me the most precious understanding of living a happy reality.
I adapted to being alone. Since I had no one, and developed fear of everything, I had only my reflection to look at. Slowly, I got to realize how I ended up in that place, and what I could have done to have ended up higher than where I was. There was so much anger and sadness, but I learned that it was never too late. If I had to get back up, there would be nobody there to take my hand. Not even the devil. I would have to try by myself because it was the only way. I didn’t know what it would be like to literally burn in hell. I did however, know what it was like before I was down, and no matter how inconsistent and real it was, it was better than the life below the ground.
Losing the fear was the hardest part. Once you’ve lost your confidence, it would be a struggle to get it back. At some point, I was able to lose fear as I slowly learned to let go. It was the longest process and all I could do was let time take its place. I almost gave up, but months passed and I saw myself even more. I knew who I was in my core, and I knew that no matter what, I would have to create my own strength.
The hope that no one would ever find you would become a choice. I gained faith. Even though I was alone that whole time, I gained faith in myself. I was finally able to accept that there are far bigger things and people to let go of; that years of friendship could vanish, that a loved one could betray you and leave you, that family can pass on, and that there is and will always be a future ahead.
I’m writing this to help those who are lonely. I was at that point, and I am still trying to get back up. I am at a stage where I not only want to be where I used to be, but I want to reach the better part of it. There is still a long way ahead, but I have started to communicate with people. I am happy when I wake up, and thoughts of getting better over power other thoughts at night. If I am able to write this, then I have become more aware than I ever was and it will only get better. There may be struggles along the way, but there’s no other way from being down, than high up.
Sometimes, it gets scary to try. You should try anyway, because it gives you courage. If you fail, it will hurt; but at least you would not have been a coward.