(1) When one of those creepy old farts that act like they have never seen a female before walks in and immediately denies the obvious task of ordering a drink and rather begins to make it his only goal to attempt to win you over by constructing cheap shots and overused pick-up lines, take a drink.
(2) When a customer approaches you and immediately starts criticizing and complaining about the menu as if you the barista could possibly execute a change that very split second, take a drink.
(3) When a large family with rambunctious children come in, and the parents ignorantly proceed to purchase espresso drinks for their children, yet continue to wonder why they are not calm, take a drink.
(4) When someone sprints up to the counter and asks you to describe the acidity, the aroma, the body, the notes, the origin, the brewing temperature, the setting you used to grind the beans, the aftertaste, the freshness and the compliments of all current roasts of coffee all the while a line formulates only to leave and not actually order anything at all, take a drink.
(5) When a group of leathery, needy women comprised of nothing but Botox and gossip come in and laugh as loud as a typical thunderstorm and glare at you as if you are on the bottom of the food chain, take a drink… and maybe slap a ho.
(6) When someone orders a drink as long as your average novel, take a drink. Bonus: take an extra drink if they repeat it.
(7) When a pompous hipster mermaid comes in and flaunts his knowledge of coffee as if this is a life-or-death Russian roulette competition instead of a workplace, take a drink.
(8) When a large youth group on the way to a mission trip pit stops for over at least twenty bucks of coffee without tipping a single penny, take two drinks.
(9) When someone you know but never speak to comes in with obnoxious cheerfulness and interrogates why you are not in church or have not graduated by now and proceeds to ‘bless your heart,’ take three drinks.
(10) When a swarm of valley girls come in and inquire amongst themselves what to order (because trusting their own individual opinion and taste buds is social suicide and apparently not enough) only to all decide on the same drink that does not even exist, take a drink.
Bonus: Take an additional drink if it was a Pumpkin Spice Latte.
(11) When a customer demands sugar-free/ fat-free/ decaf anything and asks for extra of the aforementioned, do not trust them. Ever. Then proceed to take a drink.
(12) When you hear anyone say expresso, frappe, caramello or cool whip, take a drink.
(13) When someone orders then proceeds to lean over and basically rape the bar and watch your every move like you are a dangerous convict, take a drink.
(14) Share this list with your fellow bitter baristas. If they laugh at your list of rules, take a drink with them.
If you aren’t drunk by now, you aren’t paying attention.