Because I Have Nothing Left To Lose, Here’s How I Really Feel About Losing You

You’ll probably never get to read this and maybe that’s for the best.

We are at the point when I’m about to lose you and even if I don’t want to admit it, it’s really tearing me apart.

I should’ve known that you were the kind of guy that was explicit about how he felt. You told me upfront that you liked me, that I was the girl that you were waiting for and in return, I just smiled and held your hand.

I was never really good at feelings. I mean, I rarely even have feelings. I’ve been so used to being by myself that I didn’t realize that you were waiting for the same outpour of emotions from me. For that, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry if I made you feel as if I didn’t care. I’m sorry if I seemed to be so nonchalant that I ended up hurting you. I’m sorry if I didn’t let you in. I’m sorry if I’ve been so terrified of actually feeling things that I ended up destroying what we had. I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you how I really felt. I’m sorry if I thought that my feelings should’ve been implied already, that the fact that I agreed to see you all the time meant something.

And now, it’s too late.

So, just to let it out, here it goes:

I think you’re amazing. I know that right now, you’re feeling pretty down about your life but I believe in you. Admittedly, I didn’t at first. But the more I got to know you, the more I felt that you are capable of great things and I know that you will succeed. More importantly, I’ve been so used to being alone. I’ve been hurt so bad that I’ve built up thick walls to shield myself from pain.

It was a few months ago when I started feeling something for you and it terrified me. I wanted to avoid you and to stop talking to you but I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I simply cannot stop thinking about you and I couldn’t make the feelings go away. You occupied my thoughts constantly. Sure there would be times when I’d focus about work but I know that at the back of my mind, I was wondering where you are, what you’re doing, are you with someone else, could you possibly be thinking about me too?

There are days when I just want to randomly message you and tell you I miss you but I’m still afraid. I’ve been so afraid and now we’ve come to this point where we don’t even talk properly anymore. Your feelings seem to have dwindled and it’s my entire fault. I don’t know how to bring things back to how they used to be. Even if I shout it to the void that I like you a lot, nothing will happen. I don’t even know what to tell you in case I chalk up the courage to message you. Should I send you a link to a restaurant we should to try? A new track that I like? A funny meme? I don’t know anymore. I’ve been hiding behind emojis, sub-tweets, jokes, and random friendly comments when all I want to be is more than your friend.

I blew it. I wasted my chance and you’re gone. Maybe you’re seeing someone else, I’m not sure. It’s crazy how much I think about you. I don’t even know what to do anymore. All I know is this: I like you. I really, really do. And I want you back.

But I don’t think I’ll ever have the guts to tell you that.