When I Finally Say Goodbye

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to quit you.

But I have to try.

One day, I’ll be able to resist the temptation of replying to your messages and answering your calls. One day, I won’t fall for your witty comebacks and your brilliant mind. One day I will finally man up and tell you that I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be your escape plan from your stressful life.

I need someone consistent. I need someone who will hold me when I’m having nightmares, who will take care of me when I’m sick, who will scold me for being a brat, who will support my hopes and dreams, who can grow with me and weather the years and road bumps that lie ahead. I need someone who will be there for me all day, not like you who can only spend nights with me.

You can’t be that person for me, even if I somehow want you to be. You have other commitments so I can never really be a part of your life. We have to let each other go.

When I say goodbye, don’t protest. Don’t try to talk me out of it. Don’t tell me that you can try to make it work, that you can fit me in your schedule and that we can go on vacations to make up for your lack of time. Darling, don’t make me promises that you couldn’t keep. Don’t even think about brainwashing me with your kisses. Don’t distract me with your touch.

When I say goodbye, please understand that I mean it. No more random messages within the day, no more talks of wanting to see me. It has to be over for good. It’s all just physical after all, I’m sure you can get over me. I was selfish for being with you knowing that you weren’t really mine to keep. I was reeling from a loss and you were there and willing to provide comfort even if it was wrong. I admired you from afar and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that you would give me the time of day. My biggest mistake was giving in to the temptation. You weren’t mine to have, not even for a night. But I kept you anyway, and now┬áI really should go.

When I say goodbye, I’ll probably miss you. The mere sound of your voice would make my breath hitch. You were like a dangerous drug that I needed to have over and over again. I should’ve read the fine print. I should’ve understood that the price to pay for my nights with you would be a lifetime of guilt. I’m not in love with you that’s for sure and I’m pretty sure you don’t love me either. It was all just lust. All-consuming lust that fueled nights of drinking and conversation. We had our way with each other but now, like all good things, it has to end. You’ll always be my favorite stranger in the night, but now I have to go. TC mark

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