Pour over – there are three kinds of people who want a pour over. First, there’s the ordinary nondescript person who wants an ordinary nondescript coffee to keep them awake. Then there’s the mustachioed or bearded but definitely tattooed hipster who will order the single origin and ask twenty thousand questions about the beans and their tasting notes and the farmers who produce them. They make me nervous but they’re also lovely because without them, I would never get the chance to rehash all the information on fair trade and grind and roasting methods that I was overwhelmed with during my training. Finally, on the opposite end of the spectrum, there’s the disapproving senior citizen who wants a ‘regular cup of quawfee, none of this latte or cappuccino nonsense, just a regular cup of quawfee with cream and do you have Splenda?’
Espresso – you’re European, or at least you try to channel their vibe, très sophistiqué.
Americano – you either can’t stomach an espresso or you want it to last as long as possible.
Red eye – you work really long hours and have to put up with a lot of shit. In fact, you’re probably a bartender.
Macchiato – if you’re confused at being handed quite a small drink, I’m going to assume you go to Starbucks way too often. A macchiato is not the caffeinated milkshake you’ve been led to believe it is.
Cappuccino – you like a bit of pampering but you don’t waste time, you’ll shell out for quality but you’re no spendthrift, you indulge in moderation. An elegant drink, high five, my friend.
Flat white – Austraya, mate!!! Seriously, 9/10 times.
Latte – you probably don’t really like the taste of coffee, but you do like the pretty designs. Which you may or may not Instagram.
Skim latte – you probably jog.
Soy latte – you jog and probably enjoy it.
Hot chocolate – it’s either nearly Christmas or you’re just a child at heart.
Mocha – you are the real Slim Shady.
Decaf – I’ve seen quite a few models order decaf cappuccinos (or cappuccini, if you want to be a twat). Middle-aged businesswomen in tailored suits like half-caf. And then, obviously, the elderly nearly always get decaf. And they will double-triple check that you did, in fact, make their coffee decaf. As in, ‘I have a decaf latte? Oh, is that decaf? Yes.’ Finally, there’s the unicorn who orders decaf espresso. Decaf espresso? I’m confused. Hold on, maybe you’re confused?
Instant coffee – honorary mention! You’ve only come in to use the restroom.