Your thighs are fat. It’s one of the first thoughts you have everyday. And one of the last. And most frequent.
When you squeeze into your gym lycra. When you’re deciding what to wear on a first date. When you have your first kiss. When he comes back to your place. When he sees you naked for the first time.
Your thighs are fat. They press together when you walk. They’re dimply and white. Covered in stretch marks and sometimes even acne.
You hate them. You hate your fat thighs.
But you shouldn’t.
They’re smart. Smarter than you, in fact.
Not only do they wear the pants in this relationship, but they’ll walk right on over you any chance they get.
Two smooth criminals.
Best keep an eye on your fat thighs. Here’s why:
1. They Get You to Believe Everything They Say
Their marketing campaign reels you in every time. Your fat thighs have more than their fair share to say. Nevertheless, you go back for double and triple helpings of their dogma over and over. These vixens are ultra persuasive.
They’re so good at making you believe them, that you don’t even question it anymore. They don’t even ask if you mind or care or have a different opinion. You assume that your walking sausages are shouting pure fact.
There’s not a single time you haven’t believed them when they’ve said that Her long, slender, hairless, bronzed, supermodel (photoshopped) legs are better than yours. Or that you should have a thigh gap. That you really shouldn’t wear a bikini this year. You hang on their every word.
2. They Control Every Move You Make
Your fat thighs hold the strings to your heart. They know exactly how to shred your self-esteem with a single thought. They’re so intimately tuned into your psychology, they are able to manipulate hundreds of situations every single day into making you feel like a waste of space.
Look down right now. Are they bulging out of the shorts you should’ve ditched last summer? Is there cellulite hanging around all over the place? Are they an unshaved mess? See? Your thighs have just successfully taken you down a peg. So clever.
3. They Distract You From Life At All Times
Your fat thighs have a very proactive PR department that demands your attention at all times. They are the most important things in the whole world. It’s amazing what a monopoly your rollie pollies have on your train of thought.
Look out the window: boom. A woman walks by in size zero skinny jeans and now you feel like a loaf.
Try and have a sunny picnic with your boyfriend: boom. You can’t sit on the grass without making the dimples on your legs even more obvious than normal.
You gobble a piece of your grandma’s amazing birthday cake, and boom: your tiny cousin, who has the hindquarters of a gazelle, picks delicately at a half-eaten salad.
You see, you’re merely a text, conversation, french fry, or shopping trip away from being sneakily (and constantly) interrupted the good work of your wobbliest anatomy.
4. They’re Always Able To Find People Who Are Better Than You
Not only is Instagram real life, but every single person, dead or alive, has better thighs than you. Your fat thighs have special recognition software which confirms this as fact. They compare you to every individual on this planet (no matter how fictional) and systematically reduce you to an insecure heap of mess as often as possible.
It’s impressive how quickly the analysis takes place. You see her, and no matter what she’s wearing, how far away she is, how old, how attractive, how nice, or how helpful, your fat thighs give her the quick swipe. Takes the measurements, makes the judgements, issues the self-esteem check, tells you how bad you are now allowed to feel about yourself.
More than this, they are a class act at getting you to believe that the whole world bears a grudge against your sloppy cells.
5. They Get You to Spend Huge Amounts of Money
I bet you didn’t know that your fat thighs have financial advisors and bank accounts in Switzerland. It’s very important to your sizzling hams that you fork over the cash to fund their investments.
They are constantly playing enticing commercials that get you to spend spend spend. On underwear that smooth the lumps. Flattering clothes that will distract from the dimples. Weight loss programs. Super pills. Or maybe an extravagant vacation that blasts 3 months of rent money, just so you can forget how miserable you are for 5 seconds.
6. They Lie to You and You Believe Them
Your thoughts are being programmed by your fat thighs every day. They can literally make you think and believe anything they want. They’re especially good at reminding you that you’re ugly, incapable, unworthy, unlovable, and not good enough. Just to name a few.
Further to that, they decide what you will and won’t wear. Whether you deserve a raise or a boyfriend or a better job. They can make you feel sad, guilty or depressed on command.
They make you believe that the ultimate fulfillment is to be desirable and that you’ll never be desirable with fat thighs like yours. They distract you from all the things you really love. Make you forget your true purpose, meaning, and value. How beautiful you are. How much this world needs you.
What if you were smarter than your fat thighs?
Gosh, if you were half as smart as your fat thighs, you’d take over the world. You’d reach all your goals and demand the salary you deserve.
You’d be the funniest, wittiest, most kick ass inspiration to just about everyone. Nothing would slow you down and you’d never give into fear or limitations.
Heck, you might even be ridiculously happy, fabulously successful, and bursting with unconditional love.
Wouldn’t that be something?