You gave me life again. You helped me prove to myself that I have the capacity to love selflessly and commit to something I believe in without fear. You put band-aids on my emotional wounds and you carried my baggage with me for several months. You helped me realize that relationships are about working for what you believe in and helping the other person grow and blossom. You taught me to accept and embrace my passionate sexuality and desire and you let me give in to it with you. You showed me that not all men are untrustworthy, and some will look you in the eyes and tell you that you deserve better, you deserve the best, and then they will give it to you. You showed me that we could be independent together. You made me love myself and my body. You forced me to look deep within myself and conquer the fears I’ve been too scared to face alone. You let my heart feel sunlight again. You gave me life.
You hurt me, too. You didn’t understand or want to understand my emotional complexities. You were too fragile to let me express my full self unashamed and uninhibited. You didn’t know that I wanted to be protected. You didn’t understand why music moved me to tears. You wouldn’t look me in the eyes. You stood outside my walls and told me it was okay to let you in but you weren’t strong enough to keep those walls from caving in on us. You were immature and afraid. I think I scared you with my intensity. You didn’t want to try for me. I fought for us the whole time, even though I knew it would end like this. Two separate species will never walk together in harmony for long.
But I will take this immense, soul shattering hurt and I will acknowledge it and let it go. I will not let it callous my heart and make me resentful. I will understand that this was meant to be a transition into my new happiness. You were not the one to keep me, you were the one to guide me to the point of self acceptance and give me permission to show off my full brilliance when the next one comes along.
I’ll grow stronger and wiser without you and my thick skin will protect me, not inhibit me, and I’ll find someone who loves me as I am now, not who I’ll be in three years when it’s convenient for him. And I’ll love him more than I ever loved you because there won’t be any conditions to our love.
It will just be.
I will understand that I deserve someone who appreciates me body, mind and soul, who will look at me every day and see me as a blessing. This person will come to me, I don’t need him, because I have become someone who is fearless and passionate on my own. I will learn how to sleep alone again. I will not forget that my nature cannot be changed, I will always be a gypsy spirit. You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love.
I will plant my own garden and decorate my own soul, instead of waiting for someone else to bring me flowers. I will set myself free and run wild again.