1. “Crazy in love”.
This is it? You have a “bad feeling” that this won’t work out? To mitigate these hurtful truths, you develop a detailed plan on how you’ll become a SUPERHUMAN. This involves losing 10 pounds, getting married by the end of the year and buying a Jeep. I AM FABULOUS MOTHERFUCKER. In reality, the very thought of your Revenge Plan is exhausting as you can’t leave your bed from the crippling anxiety of doing your laundry.
This is when you decide: it’s me, not you. Whether you wanted to be with this person or not, the decision has been taken from you. You may have foreseen the End Date but now that you’ve been dumped, you’re suspecting – it is me. You’re the solid combination of sad, indifferent, disappointed and furious. FUHHHHHHK.
3. “If I Were a Boy”.
It hits you. You feel like you gave so much to this. You fear you’ll never be okay again. During this phase you’ll cry for an incredible amount of time. You’ll wonder if shedding tears will dehydrate you permanently (whilst secretly hoping it will make you skinnier). They’re coming in thick and fast and you’re single-handedly keeping the Kleenex industry alive. Will I go back to being happy, ever? Also, how is this medically possible?
4. “Run the World (Girls)”.
Call your Mom and every vagina owner in your phone to let her know what an evil man did to you. They will agree with everything you say.
5. “All the Single Ladies”.
You are in Full Basket Case Mode. Your best friend asks lovingly if you’d like another shot of Jamesons. Friends ply you with the carbs you shouldn’t eat and the Eddie Vedder you can’t listen to. They’re encouraging you to process, and find a better man. But it’s far too early to listen to that shit, so you re-read every text that you ever sent each other while you’re crying in to your pink drank in da club, because closure.
6. “Upgrade You”.
You’re over of being the victim. Also, you’re two adjectives away from being shafted from your lady posse permanently. You deactivate your Facebook, delete their number and completely starve them of your presence. This feels drastic, but right.
7. “Best Thing I Never Had.”
You’ve got plenty more heartbreaks left in you, trooper.