The Soiled Dress
It’s one of the best pieces you own. It fits you like a glove. It cost two and a half paychecks. It’s also a crime scene; the night your ex broke up with you, you were wearing it the day you lost your job, it wore your tears when you found out Wentworth Miller was gay and you probably would never get married.
It’s time to go.
The Dreaded Dry-Cleanable Shirt
The silk shirt that you never launder so it lives in a crumbled heap at the bottom of your wardrobe 364 days of the year. It’s so beautiful and expensive and you really can’t imagine life without it, but it makes you feel like a shitty adult every time knowing there’s a Cleaners right on your street.
The Vedgie Pants
Those cute J-Crew capris that are a liiiittle too snug and a few seasons old, but damn it — they used to fit you perfectly and THEY WILL COME BACK IN FASHION. Those once second-skin badboys couldn’t really afford those two extra pounds you put on in winter, and as a result they give you a frontal wedgie. TA-DA!
The Clicky Heels
That heel is long gone and you’re scooting through on just a nail. Sounding like a thoroughbred when crossing a room and avoiding marble floors is just not a way to live. Get thee to a Shoesmith pronto, or consider giving these puppies the hike (because honestly, if you loved them so much, you would not let it get to this stage).
The Box Tee
The rock, TV or sports t-shirt that has a super cute logo, but that’s about it. It’s squarish, itchy and has a high boy neck, and kind of makes you look like a Sons of Anarchy cast member. Kick that nastyass rag to the curb OR (*Bonus Pro Tip) consider cutting out the logo and sewing in on a flattering women’s V-neck tee.
The Fiver Flats
Firstly, they have the life expectancy of a Q-Tip, so investing in crappy shoes are just bad economy. There’s nothing wrong with those black ballet slippers, that is — until you take them off when the sweet smell of sweatshop (which is not funny) rubber and your own brand of eau de pong pervades the air. They were cheap, but gurl they smell like Bigfoot’s dick. Let’s not speak of this again.
The perfectly cut sweatshirt (four sizes too large) and worn out in all in the right places. You fought damn hard to claim it from your then-boyfriend, only to use it as a Kleenex and Haagen-Dazs-catcher when things ended. For a time it was your uniform and the two of you have been through a lot, but it’s time to set it free.
The Old Faithful Ensemble
It could be the ideal wrap dress (how many of those are in the world, 9?), or a pantsuit that makes you strut like Hilary Clinton. You take great comfort in knowing that if required, you have this I-GOT-THIS ensemble. Problem is, you’ve worn this outfit to every single wedding for the last three years, and you’re one Facebook photo away from a complete anxiety-induced breakdown. You don’t believe me when I tell you but: there will be another! Go forth and replace.
The Courtesy Purse
That pleather Jimmy Choo knock-off from your aunty’s Thailand holiday. That ‘groovy’ denim patch backpack your Dad got you for Christmas. To paraphrase Mean Girls, you were presented with said gift, thought ‘That is the ugliest f-ing thing I’ve ever seen’ then smiled and said thank you. More people need to know purses are such a personal choice. You don’t have to use it. Oh hell no.
The Tara Reid Dress
Every time you slip on this number it transforms you in to a crazy party girl. This dress makes you order Wet Pussies before 8pm while waiting for that pony-tailed dude called J to get back from the Restroom so you can to continue to suck face. It’s not you, it’s that cursed fucking dress!!! Throw that dress in a taxi and never call it back.