3. More. Miles…
My legs weigh 100 lbs each, and I’m mentally defeated from the 5 miles I’ve already ran. Why am I voluntarily torturing myself like this? Because I need to.
A month ago I graduated with my master’s, went through a breakup, and found myself feeling inevitably lost.
So what did I do? I signed up for a half marathon.
There is something oddly comforting in how life goes through cycles, at least for me. My life has been reliably unstable, things are great, things suck, and then I do something to absolutely scare the shit out of myself in order to cope. I’m in the field of mental health so I’m aware that the perfect coping skill does not exist, but I’ve found that every time I feel the isolating symptoms of being beaten down by life, I somehow come out the other end a better version of myself.
5 years ago I was at a job that didn’t feel fulfilling, in a toxic relationship. So after removing myself from both situations you would have thought I’d feel relief, independent and proud, wrong. I felt alone, without purpose or direction. So I went through a grueling process of going back to school.
And it was the best decision I ever made.
This go around I felt the same way- you would think that accomplishing something like a master’s degree would feel like you’re ready to conquer the world? It didn’t. I felt lost in the transition and stagnant in a world full of people doing “so much more than me.” I also felt empty from a breakup that left me feeling “not good enough.”
So I needed something to prove to myself that I’m stronger then I think I am, that I am enough. I’m a badass and I better not forget it.
I’m not a runner, I’m not built for it, and I don’t particularly like it. From the first few pounds on the pavement, my inner voice starts to beat me down. Telling me I need to stop, that there’s no way I’ll get through it. And every time I finish a mile, that voice gets quieter and quieter.
I don’t really like the saying that life begins at the end of your comfort zone, because comfort zones are just as much a part of our life as everything else.
But I do think you can kick life’s ass when you decide to leave it.