Happy Valentines Day, Jerk

A fictional humor piece inspired by some men who I’ve dated.

You’ve probably already noticed the heart-shaped chocolate boxes and pink and red streamers draped over storefront, but in case you’ve forgotten (or are consciously ignoring it, either one seems pretty likely in your case), let me be the first to tell you: it’s Valentine’s Day, asshole.

What’s that? Oh, please don’t worry about getting me flowers or the aforementioned heart-shaped chocolates — obviously, only someone who cares about another person would bother with such mainstream forms of affection. Really, I understand. Valentine’s Day as a concept just goes against your whole locavore ethos, and it probably couldn’t stand up to any research on those weird — sorry, fascinating — Internet forums you like to quote. This is just a stupid holiday made up by the greeting card industry and capitalism in general to celebrate love – and who would want to do that when we could just have sex and listen to your obscure records? That’s a much more authentic way of showing love, I’m sure.

I mean, it’s not like this is my birthday (which, by the by, was last week — I’m still waiting on a gift or a card or something). We just have that unspoken bond, right? The kind of bond that means you never have to introduce me to your friends as anything but “Oh yeah, this is, um, Anna.” The kind of bond that’s built around 3 a.m. text messages with too many y’s at the end of “hey,” and unspoken agreements never to leave anything behind on the rare nights you do allow me to stay over instead of making me walk home at 5 a.m.; the stuff of truly modern love, if you will.

After all, it’s not like I need to do anything for you either, right? This is such an effortless, easy relationship that the only end of the bargain I need to keep up is shaving my legs, and occasionally accompanying you to those warehouse shows in the middle of nowhere. Even if it means standing awkwardly against the wall while you crack jokes with the band members about the last warehouse show, which you’ve forgotten I was also at. Such are the sacrifices that love demands.

I mean, could you imagine anything more uninspired than going out for dinner tonight, calling each other “baby” and then enjoying some wine by the fireplace together (followed by sex that’s actually mutually satisfying for once)? Even if you didn’t object to the environmental devastation caused by fireplaces, it would just be way too menial and low-brow to celebrate in such a commonplace way. Besides, I’m sure your home-brewed stout with essence of coriander is way better than any overpriced wine, and who even needs to eat out when there’s leftover Chinese takeout in the fridge?
So please, don’t worry about doing anything for me, or wishing me a Happy Valentine’s, or even adding me to the blast list of an ironic e-card featuring a dancing heart. And in return, I won’t worry about shaving my legs for the foreseeable future –and that’s a promise. TC mark

image – Erin Kohlenberg

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  • http://mason-jar-memories.blogspot.com/ Grace Elizabeth

    I’m not sure why anyone would be with the person described. That’s just sad.
    There are really super cool, kind dudes out there :)

    • valentinesdaysucks

      Yeah but they’re ugly… No but seriously, no one looks for guys like this. But we always think we can change people…

      • Oliver Miller

        Oh noes.  I can only hope that VDayssucks doesn’t speak for all women everywhere. Oh noes? She officially does?  No but seriously, then we’re doomed.

      • http://mason-jar-memories.blogspot.com/ Grace Elizabeth

        I know, I’ve been there. But at some point you have to hit your wall of sucky dude tolerance and just go get a nice one. Mine is cool, nice, and hot. Jackpot :P

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=6007590 William King-Lewis

    I don’t understand why women would stay in a casual sex relationship if the guy isn’t even good in the sack…Things I will never understand about women!

    • Guest

      Same here! Having experienced some awful sex, with men who later married, I wonder if other women just might not know what good sex is.

  • Anonymous

    “This is just a stupid holiday made up by the greeting card industry and capitalism in general to celebrate love” – correct.  What difference would a card or a bunch of crappy flowers make if he treats you as you describe for the rest of the year?

  • Anonymous

    “And in return, I won’t worry about shaving my legs for the foreseeable future –and that’s a promise.”

  • Michaelwg

    Just dump him
    On a social note: surely women need a specific day to be showed attention because that never happens every other day of the year…

  • Anna Brozolo

    Err, just to clear, you guys do realize this is like, satire, right? As in, an exaggeration for the sake of humor?

    • JimiJam

      Like all good satire, it’s got an awesome grain of truth at its core. 

      • Oliver Miller

        Maybe their comments were also satire?  …Probs not though.

    • max

      Thank you, I think ‘some’ of us needed that explanation, lol..

  • http://twitter.com/conformistdiary Confessions of A....

    This letter is sort of awkward. Why would you even put up with someone like that let alone take the time to pen a letter to him? You come of as a bit.. pathetic? Sorry, I’m just being honest. Drop him like a hot potato, I’m sure you deserve a lot more.

  • Guestropod

    flowers and candy is the most thoughtless thing anyone can get you

    • max

      no, ‘nothing’ is the most thoughtless thing anyone can get you.. lol

  • http://twitter.com/conformistdiary Confessions of A....

    Well it’s an awkwardly penned satire…. 

  • valentinesdaysucks

    It’s not about a real person, guys, it’s an amalgam of all the worst aspects of all guys who either don’t want to commit or just can’t be bothered to be thoughtful. We’ve all been there.

    • Ssj316

      The fact that it’s not a real person doesn’t change the fact that this article is complaining about an archetype that only exists because people have allowed it to exist. So it’s true that this is an amalgam of all the worst aspects of all guys who either don’t want to commit or don’t want to be thoughtful – why do you (and I don’t mean you, specifically) continue to date them and then complain about their shortcomings? I’m not saying that these guys are *right* in behaving the way they do (far from it) but I have no idea why you would consent or continue to date someone who can’t even be bothered to be thoughtful of your feelings.

      I am aware that this is satire – the author is being sarcastic about enjoying all the stupidity her hypothetical boyfriend assumes she’s ok with, even though he is clearly an insensitive jerk. Still doesn’t explain what she’s doing dating him.

      • Hekatompedon

        It sure is lucky for us that we know everything about a person before we start dating them! We get a list of their shortcomings; despite the fact that they seem caring and interested, the fact that this is just a courting maneuver is printed in black and white so we can choose to get involved with them or not!
        Oh, wait. God damnit. Stop blaming male juiceboxery on women and start blaming it on the men who act like juiceboxes. “complaining about an archetype that only exists because people have allowed it to exist.” NOPE. The archetype exists because some people (not even just dudes! People!) are awful to other people and will do things to cover up how awful they are, but the cover only lasts so long!

  • Nico

    I would much rather have sex while listening to obscure records, than get a stupid heart shaped cookie, or balloons, or some other contrived, superficial gesture. I don’t want chocolate. I just put Autre Ne Veut on. Give me your body.

  • Vic

    this dumb azz girl deserves all this shiz happening, she attracted this guy cuz she allows him to treat her this way, i know its fictional here but there are alot of females living this becuz they dont demand to be treated better, they accept less so they GET less. walking home? leaving stuff behind when u are allowed to stay over? WTF? whos the one anwering the 3am text messages and giving out “free” booty calls with nothing serious in return from him? why would he invest time, money or commitment in you when u dont value urself enough either? by free i dont mean monetary exchange i mean make him “work/earn” it.

    • Lilym

      tag “THIS IS SATIRE” 

  • Jesus

    TLDR

  • jem

    waxing last longer.

  • Sweetdreambeliever

    I am so thankful that I am not with someone like this, though at one point in my short 18 yrs I was with someone like this…and I remember thinking, “Why can’t he just like me for me, and not for what I can give him, why does he have to be a jerk?” But I still dated him off and on for the summer only to find out he had another girlfriend! I then met someone else and we are pretty happy right now, and we treat eachother with respect and stuff. I am not saying it will last forever but I have faith in us. Happy Valentines Day everyone.

  • Anonymous

    Bravo to the author, that was hilarious I just like how accurate some of the facts are ^_^

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