It’s an app-turned-hobby-turned-competitive art form. But, in the end (at least if you’re as average as I am), Pinterest is just the biggest flake I’ve ever interacted with via iPhone. Everything it tells you, no matter how easy and functional, is a lie.
1. One day, your house will defy the laws of constructional possibility. There’s no way that my kids’ beds will ever float majestically over the recreation of some precious, artsy scene. And the bookcases. I will never have a room with such conveniently and smartly placed bookcases. Also, my house will never be able to look so nautical that I, from time to time, confuse it with a boat.
2. Your wedding will be perfect. First of all, go ahead and watch me afford that dress. Spoiler alert: I won’t. Basically, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll plan to get married outside, it’ll downpour, and only five people will show up. But don’t worry, Pinterest will show you how to photograph those five people into a fun-loving crowd of laughing, artsy friends.
3. DIY is your friend. Seriously? DIY was my friend for about five minutes before I messed up every craft I’ve ever attempted. No matter how closely I follow directions, or study a picture, the garbage can is always looking like the perfect place to put my unique piece of art when I’m done with it. Or decide that it’s past the point of fixing.
4. You can pull that off. To be fair, I do know a few people who can recreate a Pinterest outfit, and even do it better. But honestly, if I followed my Pinterest heart, I’d be looking like a homemade quilt done wrong and worn on accident. No one wants that.
5. Braids and beachy waves are so easy. I don’t care how many pictures there are depicting each step of the process, I will spend hours achieving no success. Fishtail, seashell, horseshoe… whatever it’s called, I’ve tried. I swear I’ve tried.
6. There is never a stain you can’t remove. Pinterest has pulled through for me on occasion, but only to give a false sense of security. No matter what, you are never completely safe. The mustard will be a constant threat.
7. Everything you do in the kitchen will both look and taste like heaven in a zero calorie bite. It’s healthy, it looks pretty, and it tastes amazing… in the picture. Pictures are not real life. I also just can’t cook so this might be a personal problem, but come on, no one can do it exactly like Pinterest can.
8. The butt in this picture is yours in just 30 days. It’s a varying number of squats per pin, but all-in-all I don’t think squats will do the trick. I strongly dislike a fleeting squat regimen.
9. Inspirational quotes are always beautiful. I actually really like this category, but some of the quotes are a lot less beautiful and a little more on the ugly side. By “ugly” I mean cliche, but according to Pinterest cliche can be artsy. I don’t know.
10. You can become a crafting fiend without any prerequisites. It feels like cheating. It feels like I stole an artist’s brush, paints, and humanity, and ran away to dishonor his or her entire family. I’m sorry, fake family.