You may dream of someday living in New York City. And who can blame you? Every other show on TV depicts some glittery skyline filled with slick executives and endless brunch. But anyone who has moved to The City will know what I mean when I say that we were, to some extent, tricked. We may learn to love it for reasons entirely unexpected (Newsstands galore! Bodegas for days!) but it won’t be the New York we envisioned back in our humdrum towns. Below is what a day would look like if those TV myths were real. *I couldn’t even include movies because the list would never end.
10:00 AM GIRLS
Wake up in a damp basement, only to find yourself lying perpendicular to a stranger who smells acutely of Ramen, wet socks, and some unidentified medley of herbs. Nearly trip over his giant collection of vintage Swedish pornography while fumbling to locate your clothing (a nurse costume) before stealing some cab money from a childlike piggy bank rolling around on the floor.
10:30 AM Sex and the City
Emerge onto 5th Avenue both looking and feeling miraculously refreshed. Pull a hot pink sash from a giant Fendi bag and throw it over your shoulders, transforming the nurse costume into something strangely inspiring and fashion forward. Ring your friends for a 911 brunch in Chelsea while effortlessly hailing a cab. Well, not quite effortlessly…you trip a little on the curb, but just as you think the morning is all for naught, a steamy street cleaner catches your eye and winks. And they say romance is dead!
10:35 AM Gossip Girl
Get into the cab only to find your calculating ex is somehow waiting inside with a bottle of bub and a scowl. When you recover from shock, listen to him explain in a voice that could only be described as “velvety” that he found you because he “has his sources.” Also, he just bought the entire NY Yellow Cab franchise, so arranging for them to concentrate in your neighborhood wasn’t difficult. Listen to him recount his urgent plot to take down your stepfather’s evil French mistress.
11:00 AM Seinfeld
Exit the cab feeling bewildered and yet…intrigued. If you go with the plan, you just might be able to swing it so that the mistress thinks you’re the good guy, which she’ll pass on to her deli-owning nephew, who will then forgive you for the time you stole an entire shipment of pastrami from his truck. Meet your friends at a diner to rehash the plan, arguing adamantly that you never intended to steal the ham in the first place, and that it was all just a VERY unfortunate misunderstanding!
1:00 PM Ugly Betty
You decide to head up to work, but are almost knocked into the street by a confused looking young woman who is juggling what appears to be nine lattes that spill all over both of you. When you offer to help her pick up the mess, she smiles a big, brace-faced grin and the two of you arrange to get lunch next week.
2:00 PM The Newsroom
Upon arriving at the office, find everyone rushing around like chickens with their heads cut off. The President has just declared a State of Emergency and it’s your job to put together an impromptu news script that will calm the entire world. Despite this, your closest advisor is agonizing over her ex-boyfriends most recent passive aggressive Tweet.
3:00 PM Mad Men
Realize that with your boss preoccupied, the entire future of the company is resting on you. Regardless, feel strangely calm and assured. Walk into the room to find everyone falling silent with awe as you spin a solution that is not only surprising but sexy. When they try to thank you, just light a cigarette, leave without saying goodbye, and slip into the elevator to make out ravenously with your biggest competitor.
4:00 PM 30 Rock
While making out, realize that a jawbreaker has rolled from your partner’s mouth into yours, causing you to choke as you run out of the elevator. Be saved by a coworker who mysteriously knows the Heimlich Maneuver, only to watch him then gloat and parade around the office in a homemade medal that reads “LYFE SAVER” demanding that he be rewarded with a lifetime of Life Savers and a swimming pool in his office. Seek solace from your other boss, who calmly pours you a Scotch and lectures you on the dangers of female hysteria.
5:00 PM The Mindy Project
Leave the office to pay a visit to your gynecologist, a smart but quirky young lady who chats amicably with you while examining your nether regions. You learn of her recent kerfuffle with a sexting mishap.
7:00 PM Friends
Rendezvous at your actor friend’s mysteriously fancy place. Enjoy a raucous game of trivia until the combination of sexual tension and the mock turtleneck you’re wearing makes you too hot and bothered to stay. Allow them to serenade you with a silly song about cats on your way out. Aw, it’s good to be loved.
8:00 PM REALITY
After grabbing happy hour at someplace with $17 fries and no bathroom, head home to your freezing apartment, stumble over a dead rat on your way in the front door, heat up some Ramen, open your laptop, and catch up with the work friends you parted with three hours prior. (Or maybe, that’s just me…).
For more NY myths, visit fakenewyork.wordpress.com