I’m Head Over Heels In Love With Amazon Prime

Kārlis Dambrāns
Kārlis Dambrāns

I’m in a bad relationship.

It’s like I’m dating a horrible boyfriend but the sex is so good, I can’t kick the bastard out. I really want be a better person and give up the evil e-commerce giant. The excessive packaging and the numerous reports about their employment practices, financial exploitation of writers, and use of drones make it really hard for an environmentally minded, humanist to support this behemoth – except that they are the best store in the world. Amazon Prime if loving you is wrong I don’t want to be right. I even used Amazon UK to send things to my son in England. Our relationship has gone international. Amazon Prime is that bad relationship you just can’t leave even though you know it’s wrong in so many ways. Oh Amazon I wish I could quit you.

It started with books, my seducer lured in me with the most precious of objects and then I found myself sending out my Christmas gifts through Amazon. The ease of use and pricing seduced me like an Italian lover. It was indomitable for any mortal. But it was the chicken feed that cemented the relationship. I was due to fly out for a business trip and realized I had not purchased my organic chicken feed.

Oh, I saw that eye roll. I didn’t have time to go to the feed store and lug a bag of 50 pound feed back to my abode and then it occurred to me. Could Amazon Prime sell feed? Could they sell organic chicken scratch? Oh yes they could and yes they do! You don’t need chicken feed you say? Well do you need pet food, human food, sheets, castanets, toilet paper or an actual toilet? The Prime will send you all of those items and nearly anything your heart desires with a couple of quick clicks. No driving, no lines, no roaming aisles searching for help. It’s all yours and you can procure these items while lounging naked in your bed consuming olives and wine.

If Amazon offered pap smears, I would be the first woman uploading pictures of my vagina and sending my genetic material in a pre-printed tube and box for analysis. If you could buy a car through Amazon with as much ease, I would happily buy my next car through Amazon. When an organization has perfected their model they own the marketplace and the people in that market. I’m owned.

I’ve read the articles about how working for Amazon is more akin to indentured servitude than employment. I know that the endless packaging cannot be good for the environment and let’s not even get started on the drone issue or how they’ve tried to squeeze more profit out of writers. It’s despicable by any metric.

Well, it turns out I don’t care enough to give up my Prime. My values have been purchased and I didn’t even know they were for sale. You can probably purchase my soul off of Amazon, I haven’t checked. Amazon has excellent customer service, delivers things as fast as I can order them, returns things graciously and does all of this with the highest standard of professionalism. Judge me. Judge me harshly, I deserve it but there’s no chance I’m quitting the Prime. For all of its evils, Amazon has helped me protect my most valuable commodity – time.

I am less anxious about gift shopping and the weight of domestic responsibilities. I have more time to be with my family, pursue my interests, and work on my business and things that matter more than procuring chicken scratch or duvets. As a United States postal worker said to me, “We can’t compete with the Amazon. They’re just a miracle.”

You own me Amazon Prime and until some ethical genius can replace you, I am forever in your clutches you evil irresistible genius. TC mark

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