When I was a child, a teacher yelled at me once, and I told my parents, who complained to the school. The teacher confronted me about me telling my parents and I kept it to myself. When I was a little older, a class bully used to steal my lunch, and I told my parents, who complained to the school. The bully told me that she would beat me up if I did that again, so I kept that to myself. I didn’t lose any sleep over those incidents.
When I was a teenager, my classmates called me a nerd and a teacher’s pet because academics was all I was good at. I wanted to be a cool kid, but it didn’t bother me much because I knew that I would be a grown-up soon and none of these things wouldn’t matter. Those days, I didn’t let external factors affect me mentally.
All I wanted to do was be an adult so I didn’t have to keep studying. Looking back, I think I was more self-assured as a child. Things were simple. I had a much better grasp of life. I remember saying that I didn’t want to learn too much because it would complicate life. I learned a lot from books, and I was content with life.
I was such a different person. I was myself when I was a child, but as I got older, I had this misconception that I had to be a certain type of person. That’s where I lost myself. I felt it was more important to fit in because I started to believe that it was the worst thing in life to be on my own.
I wanted to belong, and I wanted to fit in. In that process, I was turning into someone who pretended to have it all while desperately waiting for the weekend so I could forget the life I was living and who I had become.
Sadly, the deeper I got into it, the more I started to enjoy the misery and connect with those who felt the same. It was like we were competing to see who had it worse. I wanted to be better, but I didn’t make much of an effort.
I wanted to become the best version of someone else I knew or had seen on social media. I had lost touch with who I was. I was confused.
I tried working out and it helped a little, but it didn’t change my life. I was still angry. One day, I decided to change, even if I was going to miss out on all the fun. It was frustrating because I wanted results fast.
Everyone’s best version of themselves is different. It is not a one-size-fits-all. The truth is that when you want to make a change, you have to put a lot of effort in and trust the process. It was not about becoming like someone else I desired but to be the version of myself that I didn’t want to forget being.
I couldn’t figure it out for the longest time. I realized I wanted to become the version of myself that was realistic and possible.
I started doing yoga, complaining less, and cutting back on alcohol. As days went by, things slowly started to change. I was starting to see things the way I did when I was little—It was about being comfortable with myself and not pushing myself to be that person that always needed validation.
I always thought I would get smarter as I got older, but somehow, I became more stupid. As an adult, I needed people to accept me more than I did as a child.
I stopped punishing myself for my past mistakes, because no one looks good under a microscope. I stopped obsessing about trying to control my future. It was more about being in the moment the way I wanted to be. It became more about doing the right thing than just having the right intentions.
Trying to become the best version of myself meant forgiving people who had wronged me and holding on to that hate (that was the hardest part). It meant admitting when I was wrong and not always trying to have to prove a point. I had to start making a conscious effort to align myself with my goals every day.
Every moment, I try to be aware of the things I do and say, and more importantly, the things I think. The mind is like a little child that will run wherever it wants if you don’t learn to control it. I started to train myself to be more self-aware; I practiced managing my mind.
I started living a life that focused more on how I wanted to be. My best version of myself might not be what someone else sees as amazing, but it works for me.
After years of struggling, I am finally learning to become more comfortable with the type of person I want to become. I have started the journey and I’ve finally accepted how I can become the best version of myself. It is a version where I like who I am.