I Hope She’s Everything I Could Never Be

Do you know how much I loved you?

I loved you so much that my heart used to breathe your name every time I thought of you. And I thought of you all the time. You were the air that kept me alive.

When we parted ways, I wanted to leave my memories of us behind the same way I tossed your sweatshirt in the kitchen trash—it was out of sight, out of mind. But you have managed to make a home in my mind.

We see-sawed with each other’s hearts and feelings for years, and you finally told me you met someone new. I could never replace you, but you seem to have moved on much more easily.

I hope she’s everything I could never be.

I hope she makes you happier than I ever could and that every day with her is filled with beautiful moments than the constant madness that we lived for years.

I hope she makes you feel comfortable so you do not feel the same fear of commitment that you constantly felt with me.

I hope she can be a better friend to you, because relationships are more than just romance and candlelight dinners. I hope you will always have her back, because you did not do that for me.

I hope she can make you laugh, but I doubt that anyone can do better than me, because I made your eyes tear up too much too often.

I hope she cares about you enough that she does not let people from her past haunt her life the way you continue to haunt mine. It is hard for me to not wonder what could have been.

I hope she has a good heart so you can end the chapter with me and start one with her, because we both need to move on—this is just getting sad. Our reluctance to grow up and move forward is getting a bit beyond juvenile at this point.

I hope she is so lovely that I feel okay about saying my goodbye knowing that you are in good hands. Ending us for good should have been the natural progression of things so we could grow, but we are too reluctant.

I hope she is patient and that after you tell her about me, she still chooses to stay with you depite how much you crushed me. We were that moment in time for each other that was beautiful when it was, but it is no longer. I loved you so much that I tried to understand every time you hurt me.

I hope you are able to find rest in the warmth of her bed as you let go of everything about me that you had been holding on to. I don’t know if it is love or if it’s madness, but I never learned to let you go and let it be.

I want to believe that you no longer feel the stress you did with me, as it has flown away from your heart as you let me go to sink like a stone to the bottom of the river.

Do you ever imagine your bed holding you and wishing it were me? Even if I could never be the quiet of your life because of the chaos of my being.

I am waiting for the day when I won’t talk about you anymore or what we used to have and all the things we did. I want to wake up on the day when I no longer remember how your arms used to hold me and that I am going on with my life without thinking of you and the way you looked at me.

I hope she can make you happier than I ever could, because that is what I need to believe to finally say goodbye to my memories of you.

I hope she’s everything I could never be.

(I hope she can love you more than I did, though I don’t think that’s possible.)

About the author
Mainers and Chicagoans call me 'AnjyRajy' <3 Follow Anjana on Instagram or read more articles from Anjana on Thought Catalog.

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