This Is How I Hope You Talk About Me

When I first met her, she had a fire within her. Her mind was chaos that longed to be loved, unable to step from one heart to another without setting a little bit of herself on fire. At first, I longed for her because of that light. Unfortunately, that light burned whatever came along in her path.

She had a past with a fair share of misfortunes and sad stories.

Nothing out of the ordinary but something that consumed her life. So much so that her heart lived in the past, and her mind lived in the future.

She remembered the love she wanted as a child and imagined the love she was not capable of as an adult. All she wanted was to be loved but had built a wall around her to protect her from all the memories of the pain from the past. This kept her away from the constant love surrounding her.

It was never her fault that she did not learn how to love. She never felt the love. She did not know any better. Yet, she thought that love is all she wanted in her life. She had no one to teach her and when she grew up, she never cared to learn.

She always tried too hard to control her mind.  She saw the world as a dark place where she was always looking for the right things in the wrong places. Only to become more disappointed. She was convinced the world was against her. She reacted compulsively to life.

She did not care to learn and did not care to listen. She made up her mind about everything she wanted. It was something she was never going to get.

Her story became a sad self-fulfilling prophecy. She was a psychological case.

She always meant well but was blinded by the shadows of the past, hindering her ability to see gold even when it stood right in front of her.

Being broken by her past and tormented by the future, I wanted her. Sadly, she could never be what I needed.

We lost touch and time passed… She changed. Something brought out the best in her. She underwent a subtle process of self-transformation. She fixed her inner experience.

This is how she is now.

She desires paradise, not pleasure. She desires peace, not power.

She desires for all, not more. She consciously desires life. She is existentially conscious, and she does not experience moments of misery anymore. She acts consciously to life because she has liberated her mind.

She knows that in life, if you do not do what you cannot do is not the problem- but if you do not do what you can do, that is. She takes unlimited responsibility for everything in her life and the world.

She is no longer angry. She is in control. She is independently happy because she knows she is in good company, a company of her own.

She realizes love is about her, not about who she has in her life. She has an endless ability to love because she is love. She knows this moment is inevitable and is the only way it can be right now. She has an awareness of life that is moment to moment. Her life has become an acceptance to whatever is happening.

She understands happiness is a state, not an event. It is a constant state of existence, not an occasion. Every moment is absolutely unique.

She recognizes what is the most important for her in her independent existence. She will never need me or want me anymore. She has found within herself what she is looking for.

She is magic. She is real. She is strong. She is love.

About the author
I write about life & love Follow Anjana on Instagram or read more articles from Anjana on Thought Catalog.

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